It's Not You, It's Me.

Ever since my first boyfriend aged fourteen, there's been many, many evenings sat with ice cream, wine, my friends, and a box of Kleenex, sobbing, "what did I do? Why has he dumped me???". Whether I've been the one crying, or it's been a friend, we've all criticised the method of the man doing the dumping. I know people who've been dumped via Facebook, by email, and my favourite - one friend got dumped on her birthday, just after she had cut her cake. He wanted to wait til she'd blown out the candles apparently. I'd have re-lit them and wished for a meteorite to hurl from space, and hit him so hard, it delivered him straight to hell, where for eternity, he'd have to listen to Neil Sedaka singing "Breaking Up Is hard To Do" (on repeat) whilst being constantly kicked in the balls. Harsh? I think not.

Today, one of my dear friends was treated badly by this guy she's been seeing. He did the old cancelling a date a few hours before bollocks. We've all been there - we know they're going to cancel. We can feel it. First we get the "I might be a bit late, can we meet an hour later?" text. This then plants the seed of doubt in our minds. We know an excuse is forming - his Grandads sick; he needs to console his mate Dave who broke his hand saving a guy he didn't know from a hoard of Albanians at the kebab shop after too many stella's last night (and scuffed his Reebok Classics in the process); or he's just found out he has to work. At 5pm. On a Sunday. When he is a milkman. Whatever the excuse, women sense it is coming. Do we cancel first? No, he won't cancel - we give him the benefit of the doubt. We run the bath. We shave our legs. Then the phone beeps, and you realise the spineless twat hasn't even the decency to call and cancel - he's text. Now, if this is at an early stage - we should RUN. If cancelling a date means pretending a relative is sick or that Dave has broken his hand or that his boss is a ball breaker, then really, this guy will dump you in a month or so in unbelievable horrendous style.

In an attempt to find the most used lines men use when dumping their girlfriend, I found a rather scary amount of websites offering men advice on HOW to do it successfully. There must be a need for this, as I got a stupid amount of sites. Do men really google this? Although, the things men google baffles me on a regular basis. (I once used an exes computer to check my hotmail, and the list of sites visited was both pornographic and weird....he didn't last long. Any man that googles line dancing has some issues in my mind).

This was my favourite advice site:

"So how can you dump your girlfriend? Do you feel that things are not right with your relationship and you feel there is simply no solution to it? Do you feel that it's causing you more pain than pleasure staying in such a relationship? Well if this is the case than you should most probably dump your girlfriend and move on with your life as there is no point in carrying on something which is not going to last long. Read on to discover some of the best ways on how to dump your girlfriend."

Right - straight away, this is classic male advice. Your relationship is going a bit tits up, she's been a bit grumpy, and was too tired for sex. And she made you watch a chick flick, and dragged you round the shops when you wanted to be watching footie. The match is played, it was a great game, and there's no turning back. Watching Match Of The Day is not the same. Instead of talking about it, working through it, most men bail as having a conversation might mean they have to offer advice and get asked about their feelings. "Fuck - best read on" classic man is thinking....

"Cut down on communication- One of the best ways to dump your girlfriend is to cut down on all modes of communication and start cutting down on the communication time with her. Slowly and steadily she would realize that it's not what it used to be and she herself would be willing to move on."

Wowzer - this was definitely written by a man called Chad, who is most probably a real womaniser, and is the wrong side of 30. At this point he thinks he's the don, but will wake up when he's 55, and he'll be alone, with nothing to keep him warm other than his electric blanket and hair piece. But classic man will LOVE this piece of advice, because it involves just having to ignore the problem and not communicate. If any men are reading this and thinking "I do that" then please stop for the sake of the female race. We know what you're doing; it's not rocket science, and although it will probably work long term, we will seriously hate you. This may lead to revenge tactics - telling people they dumped you because you caught crabs off a hooker; you have an impotency issue; or you secretly came out to them and they couldn't live with the lie. Or for extra clout - all of the above.

"Tell her there is a problem which can't be resolved- Let her know that the reason you need to end it is that there is an issue in the relationship which is hard to resolve and breaking up is the best possible option you have right now."

KNOB JOCKEY! the problem is clear to us - its YOU. And the "hard to resolve problem" tends to be that they're shagging someone else.

"Get the timing right- Always make sure you get your timing right before you dump her. One good example can be not to dump her in a public or a social place as that can lead to a big situation which might cause a lot of embarrassment to you. Make sure when you are about to dump her you are alone with her."

Not sure from anyones point of view there's ever a "right time" to be dumped, so how a man is supposed to choose one, I'd love to know. Most men can't choose a brand of shampoo, so how the hell they'll get this one right, is a mystery. And from now on, I am going to ensure if any guy is stupid to break up with me in public, I am going to scream and shout like a lunatic just to embarrass them. I forsee wailing, crying, and clinging to their legs whilst they try and run.

"Be friends- Never dump her on a sad note. Try to remain friends and keep in constant touch so that you don't leave it on a blank sad note and have something to regret later."

I really don't see why people stay friends. And surely it's the womans choice if she'd being ditched, not the mans?! I rarely stay friends - it just leads to more hurt, especially when you have to see them with someone else. I'd much rather tell them I faked every orgasm; throw out their clothes, and Frisbee their favourite Bruce Springsteen CD out the window. (Just make sure you don't get back together. You will have to replace said CD, and have to listen to it a lot).

Men should not listen to whatever tool wrote these "tips". It will end in a lot more trouble and hurt for the dumped. There's no easy way to do it, and no right thing to say to make someone feel better, but I normally turn to a good old bottle of white for the pain, and the anthem of the dumped, Gloria Gaynor. Nothing like a good old sing to "I Will Survive" to make me feel better. Ironically, the day I was born, that song was at number 1.....possibly a bad omen for a Dangerous Lady like myself!But just like Gloria, I'm saving all my loving, for someone who's loving me....And hopefully I won't be telling him to walk out the door.