In Victorian times, women, could marry as young as twelve, and the average age to get married was between eighteen and twenty-three. Parents were the instigators of most marriages, and oversaw the strict "courting" process. My single friends and I are all without a doubt, the wrong side of 23, and I would die on the spot if Mummy Danger had any input into my love life....it would not be pretty. (If they like sport, and support her footie team, Mummy Danger is a happy women. She dislikes tattoos, the French and motorbikes. She'd have me married off to a plimsoll wearer called Stu if I wasn't careful).
In this century, courting rituals are a world away from that of the Victorian era. These days, we can "wink" at a potential mate via internet sites, or interview them in three minutes, then tell them to jog on when the bell rings and the next chap takes the seat. But is there some logic in the Victorian ways? I googled some courting rules, lets see how the modern Dangerous Lady would do:
"She never approached people of higher rank, unless being introduced by a mutual friend." - Well, this would depend on the amount of wine consumed. I'm not amazingly good at approaching men, as I normally do something hideously stupid (I once actually fell at a mans feet when being introduced to him) but I'm pretty sure, that if a fit, single, higher rank man (thinking Italian brogues) were to know one of my friends, it'd be because she was dating him. Bugger. And if I had got the guts to approach him, I'd be smasho, thinking I looked seductive, whilst really having smudged lippy, and be squinting out of one eye.
"People of lesser rank were always introduced to people of higher rank, and then only if the higher-ranking person had given his/her permission." - So a man that is classed as lesser rank (Stella / alcho pop drinkers maybe?) can't approach me....I have to approach them? Bloody love it - this would save me having to death stare the beer bellied tool wearing the footie shirt, slurring that I've got "nice tits". FYI, I do.
"Even after being introduced, the person of higher rank did not have to maintain the acquaintance. They could ignore, or 'cut' the person of lower rank." - Again, a harsh but good rule. How many times, has some knob jockey approached you, and you've been stuck with him? Can you imagine the saved time if you could just say "excuse me, Mr Knob Jockey, but you are obviously a boring tool, and so I am cutting you. Thank you so much, now please jog on." I want this to be a new dating law. I am marching to Parliament first thing.
"A single woman never addressed a gentleman without an introduction." - God almighty. Bars would be full of gibbering wrecks. Men, unless cocky-go-lightys, are not known as being great at "addressing" ladies. We'd never get anywhere, and certainly, we'd never get any.
"A single woman never walked out alone. Her chaperone had to be older and preferably married." - WTF? We would have angry wives calling us and threatening murder for being seen out with their husbands, and never pull a guy again if the older man turned out to be his Dad. This just would not work. "Sorry Mrs Cruise, Mr Cruise was just escorting me past Mr Butler's house, so could try and sneak a peak at him showering". Nope, I think I'd be in ER with a a Jimmy Choo stuck in my head.
"If she had progressed to the stage of courtship in which she walked out with a gentleman, they always walked apart. A gentleman could offer his hand over rough spots, the only contact he was allowed with a woman who was not his fiancee." - Blimey, you'd never speak! You're not allowed to be alone inside, and you have to walk apart? Although with some of the horrific dates I've had this past year, walking apart would have been a pleasure. The failed game show host was certainly a visual nightmare, the velvet jacket and diamante t-shirt alone made him an embarrassment to walk with. I only hope people thought he was my older chaperone and not my date. (Him dressed as a chimney sweep, whilst doing a dreadful impression of Dick Van Dyke was on TV the other day.This only cemented my rule that at least 2 pictures have to be seen before I agree to a date, and a google search administerd).
"Proper women never rode alone in a closed carriage with a man who wasn't a relative." - No nookie in a lay by then? That's just no fun is it? I'd only be dating men with convertibles, and they'd always have to have the roof down when I'm in it. I like the convertible theory, but my hair would be a right state.
"She would never call upon an unmarried gentleman at his place of residence." - I don't mind this one. I prefer not to have to call on men, they should call on me. But I am again seeing that it is ok to call on married men? Did the Victorians just want us all to have affairs? I know a few married men who've been trying to bed me for a few years, that would love this rule. And I see a fab loop hole - just meet them mid afternoon, at a hotel. Keeps the spark alive, and saves having to bump into their flat mate on route to the bathroom. When you're wearing their dressing gown. And didn't realise they were in. And were just quite loud. Bugger.
"She couldn't receive a man at home if she was alone. Another family member had to be present in the room." - I'd be on the phone - "Mummy Danger? Can you please come round? David Tenants popped over, and fancies a quick one, but the rules say you have to be here." It's wrong on SO many levels. Mummy Danger doesn't even want to admit I've had sex. On my 16th birthday, her exact words were, and I quote, "just because it's legal, doesn't mean you have to do it". Having the worlds greatest Time Lord present, would not make the sex issue any better in her eyes. (Plus he's Scottish - she doesn't like them that much either).
"A gentlewoman never looked back after anyone in the street, or turned to stare at others at church, the opera, etc." - Ok, I'm rarely seen at Church (I worship at the altar of Hollyoaks omnibus on a Sunday). Unless it's a wedding, and then the head turning is normally because I'm looking for the fire exit as I am hungover from the night before, and might need to leave quickly to be sick. But, I am known for the "meer cat". This involves me raising up my top half, and acting like my favourite cat, when checking out the opposite sex. (Simples). You have to shark! It's the fun part of dating! No way can a Dangerous Lady keep to that rule, unless I'm allowed to check out arses and instead of their face? No? Then I politely decline to follow this rule.
"No impure conversations were held in front of single women." - I am normally the instigator of impure conversations. Fact. Want to be embarrassed really quickly and easily? Ask me what I'd do to GB if we were stuck in a lift. Ask me after a bottle of wine and I'll do the actions as well.
"No sexual contact was allowed before marriage. Innocence was demanded by men from girls in his class, and most especially from his future wife." - You notice this one says men demanded innocence, but nothing about men being innocent? Sorry, but you have to try the goods before the sale is made. Had I married the first man that asked, I'd be in a marriage where sex only occurred if there was nothing on TV. I'd be writing letters of thanks to the inventors of Freeview.
"Intelligence was not encouraged, nor was any interest in politics." - That describes half the men I dated last year! We all like a pretty boy, but all the single ladies I know have more brains than the single men I know (sorry lads). My dear friend dated a guy the other week who thought tapas was food in a creamy sauce. Her words were "he's pretty but so, so dumb". If that poor lad had to date someone with less intelligence, he'd be hooked up with Kerry Katona. Actually that's harsh, he was a nice guy according to said friend - no one should have to live with Kerry Katona. They'd die from a heart attack. All those kebabs cannot be good for a person.
I don't think I could live with these harsh Victorian rules, I'd be outcast and found slumped clutching a bottle of gin on the street. What they were telling women, was to be dumb; and be seen out only with old and married men. Christ, they're telling us to be Catherine Zeta Jones. For now, I will carry on being an occasional lush, and involving the rather lovely Mummy Danger in as little of my love life as humanly possible. I don't want to end up married to a loafer wearing estate agent, just because he supports Arsenal and can make a good gravy. Mummy Danger does not understand shoes.
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