Table For One Please

I get asked quite a lot if I'm happy single. More by married couples, especially women, who seem to look at me as if I have a disease, and might infect them. Of course I am a weird alien being, because despite my ever searching quest for the one, I am happily single. I love it. I get to do what (or who) I want, when I want, and answer to no one. Jog on coupled up peeps with your disapproving eyes - this girl is a spinster and proud!

So why do I think this? What are the reasons to be cheerful at your single status? Well read on, and scream a big "hell ya" if you hear me....

1) Doing what you want. Simple. If you have a partner, there are certain behaviours that are deemed unacceptable. For example, if you pop out for milk, and bump into a friend, I wouldn't suggest going on a two day bender, where you wake up on a boat on route to Calais with a tattoo of Celine Dion and an eyebrow missing. The other half, who's waiting for the milk for his tea, maybe a little pissed....more so if the tattoo is on your face.

2) The daily conversation. "Hi honey, how was your day?" - "Well darling, today Boris at work cut our stationary budget, and Angela bought semi skimmed milk instead of full fat, AND someone used my mug". WHO CARES? Sorry, but even when I've been in love, the daily synopsis of your partners day tends to always be the most stupidly dull conversation. Unless my partner is a top level spy or PA to Gerard Butler, I don't care. The things I know about car insurance; killing moles (don't ask) and the politics of European marketing in sticky labels, is ridiculous. These conversations would invariably lead to them not getting any action, as I would be pissed off, or fast asleep. Jog on. Either get an interesting job or keep it to yourself.

3) On the subject of sex.....Now, I'm sure you want to know how not having a partner, means sex is a benefit. Let me explain. Sex can get dull after a few years. There are only so many headaches you can fake, and orgasms for that matter. I've put in some Oscar nomination performances in my time, just because Eastenders is on, and I want to know "who dunnit". But if single, you can go forth and safely experience some fun and games! Ok, there's the benefit a partner knows his or her way round the love stations (where did that come from!?), but the thrill and fun of finding out a new partners turn ons can be just as good, if not more. (FYI - unless the person in question has weird fetishes - dressing like a baby; getting you to play mummy and change their nappy, or going to a swingers party with the local PTA and wanting you to shag Derek the local green grocer - they're not so fun - unless you like that kind of thing. I don't, if any future partners are reading).

4) Bed sharing - you get the WHOLE bed to yourself AND the duvet, AND don't have to put up with snoring. The most unattractive thing in the world, is a snoring, drooling, man, with an arm flung over your head. I dated one guy that MOANED in his sleep. Not snored. MOANED. He said it was because he was so relaxed with me. Whatever Trevor (he wasn't called that - I'm namest remember). You also don't have to wear sexy lingerie or sleep in the nud in the middle of winter. Or fall asleep "snuggling" - fuck off mate - this is my sleep space! Cuddling is for a limited time only - for 15 mins after sex and before sleep. Non negotiable.

5) Wearing what you like round the house. I am writing this from the safety of my checked PJS, fleece, hooded dressing gown, and penguin socks. Its a look unappreciated by many, especially men. I like it - I'm warm and comfy. If a man was here, I'd be dressed in a much more suitable attire, and would have to run a hedge trimmer over my legs.....leading to point six...

6)When you are single, you can generally get away with hair growth that would only turn on a gorilla (and even then he'd have to be in the mist, and squinting). Let it grow - who cares! I'm quite happy waxing for special occasions only thanks, although in the summer I do think its slightly wrong to have a Julia Roberts look going on. No one likes a hairy Mary.

7) The remote. Why do men HAVE to control the remote, and insist on flipping through the channels as soon as theres an advert? After 3 mins of channel hopping, they forget what you were watching in the first place, and you end up stuck half way through Silent Witness trying to work out who's been killed, let alone who the murderer is. And I like watching my soaps, If you don't, I will not judge you. But do not judge me if I worship at the altar of Emmerdale or Eastenders.I've rushed sex for it, I'm not giving it up because you think its "silly, unrealistic and dull". So get over it, and I'll allow you limited work moaning time. (But only if you pretend that Gerard Butler is your boss, and has told you that to keep your job, you have to lend me out for a night of passion. That'd be a good moan. And I'd take one for the team to save your job. I'm giving like that). Single? None of the above matters. You can happily watch Hollyoaks, followed by the next day's episode on E4, with no one to tell you its wrong. (It is if you then procede to watch the same one the next day. Get out).

8) Money. You tend to have a hell of a lot more when you're single! This Christmas, friends had the usual nightmare of "what do I buy??" for their significant others. Presents will have been exchanged, and I'm guessing by now, most of them have made it to the wardrobe or car boot pile. You spend a fortune and get a pile of shite back - I once got a CD of Barry White greatest hits, a work out DVD (I lost weight chasing him round the flat trying to batter him with said DVD), and a lighter for the hob. I bought him a playstaion and 3 games. A fair financial exchange? Last year I spent the money on me and I did very well thank you. And on the flip side, there's no hiding the shopping bags as well when your single. No pretending you've had the shoes for years - I always find that blaming them for never noticing things is a good come back and flips it on to them being useless. I work hard, who gives a monkeys if I spend £300 on a dress that looks like it would only be at home at the Oscars? I'm shagging your boss, Gerard Butler, and he said he'd take me, so there.

9)Sundays to yourself. No visiting the in laws and pretending to care about cousin Jimmy who's about to become cousin Julie. Or Dennis, the next door neighbour, who's just had a heart bypass. My Sundays are whatever I like - popping out to see friends and having a spot of brunch,catching a movie and a coffee or dying on the sofa, wondering why I have a Celine Dion tattoo and one eyebrow. (Ok, its more often the latter in my case). In laws are rarely cool (it does happen) but my Sundays are sacred.

10)Being able to get smasho, fall over, have a male friend paint your toenails, and staying up until 4am talking crap. Popping out for a pizza and ending up in a strip club. And having a lap dance. meeting a hot man and having a wild night of (safe) sex. Going off on random road trips at the drop of a hat. Flirting. Running your own life and making your own decisions. Try doing that with a man in toe.

I'm not saying that I always want to be single. I'm sure when I find the future Mr Danger, then all the above points will become null and void, but single is not a disease. Single is not a curse. Single is a pleasure, to be savoured and enjoyed. Go forth and embrace your inner Spinster. Then embrace Gerard Butler. (Actually, hands off, he's mine).