Miss-match.com - Part One

Internet dating - the way nearly all my coupled up friends have met their current spouse. The way 9/10 people now date.116,000,000 sites came up when I entered "internet dating" into Google. If you are a Christian, one eyed midget looking for a 6 toed devil worshipper; a bisexual stamp collector looking for people who's name rhymes with Daz; or a chess playing Rasta wanting to find a Russian Bob Marley lookalike, there's a site for you. And its the way I have been dating since 2003. I was described once in a Cosmopolitan article as a "internet dating expert". The shame.

The first thing we all look at on the sites, is the pic. The guy / gal could be a lovely, heart warming, amazing person, but despite what we may say ("of course its about whats on the inside" - bollocks), we all go on the profile pic. And man alive I've seen some classics....Anyway, in the days I started the old internet dating malarky, there wasn't pictures. I kid you not. Digital cameras were probably around for those with the cash, but for most of us it was a rarity. So my first date went on description alone. Description from said man? "Some people say I resemble Dermot O'Leary". "Get in" was my reaction! We spoke for hours on the phone pre-date, and I thought this was the one ladies and gentlemen....he was warm, funny, intelligent, and used to be a song writer for Bizarre Inc. (At this point, yes, I should have run a mile - who the feck are Bizzare Inc? And if you do remember them, name a song they sang - its a rare talent). So with much anticipation, a date was arranged. Nervously I waited at Ealing station. My phone went. It was Dermot. He was walking toward me whilst talking on the phone. Now at this point I'm confused - all I can see is a fat, balding, slightly short man walking toward me, grinning like an idiot. Oh dear god. Whoever told this knob jockey he looked like Dermot O'Leary needed a SLAP and an eye test - scrap that, they need a dog and a stick.What I saw was Phil Mitchell with glasses if I squinted. Anyway, the date was horrific - he seemed to know alot of people that had "died suddenly"; claimed to have been in the SAS, and when Enriques hit "Hero" came on, he grabbed my hands over the table and started singing at the top of his voice. It was to be our song apparantly. (I still have convulsions of a bad nature when I hear it). There was a mild stalking issue after this date - thankfully a call to T Mobile and security solved that matter.

So thanks to technology we now can view and reject potential window lickers with ease. But be warned - some lie and put really old pictures on there from when they were hot. Part 2 tomorrow will discuss the ex game show host - a date not too different from the one in 2003!