Reading Between The Lines.....

Internet dating is the main way us singletons date these days. We all have surfed the net on our lunch, or whilst we are supposed to be working, and I personally have trawled through thousands of profiles over the years. So I reckon I'm a bit of an expert at sniffing out the dross....its easy, you just have to know what they REALLY mean....

1) The opening header.....If they have something like "Please read this" they are desperate....."Promise not to tell how we met" they have zilch imagination. Look for the more snappy lines....we want witty but not scary. Anything begging the reader to look, or mentioning the search of the "one" normally indicates a bunny boiler who will announce he loves you on date one, and sing Enrique at you. Send a polite "no thanks", and block him. It'll save having to change your number in the long run. And possibly move house.

2) What they are looking for - check out their age. Then look at the age they are searching for. 30 year old men looking for girls from 18-30 means they want a bit of arm candy, who will laugh at their jokes; make their mates jealous; be up for anything they suggest in the bedroom; and make them feel intelligent. They have put down "-30" as they can't look like this is what they are looking for. Unless you're names Candy and you have fake boobs and a perma-tan, don't bother. On the flip side, men who will happily date 18-50 when they are 30, means we have a few issues....they are widening their search for a good reason.

3) Height - always a tricky one - but if under 5"7, they tend to add a couple of inches. I've dated some guys who claim to be 5"7 and have been my height in heels (IE 5"3). I hate to think what they say about their manhood - currently this isn't on the question list of any site I'm a member of....they'd only lie.

4) Want kids...."Yes - 1" means "NO WAY!! Are you mad? Kids! AHHHHH". Over one, and you're normally safe. "Have kids - they live away from home" - ahhh man, they'll want you to meet them. If they're horrors, you'll STILL have to be nice to them. Tread carefully. You could end up playing Julia Roberts to the ex Susan Sarandon. (If anyone gets that reference, you have also seen one of the worlds WORST films).

5) Body type - Average. Be honest. We all know this is internet dating code for "ok, I'm a little chunky, but I'm trying to shift a few pounds". No reason to be put off - I like a man with a bit of meat, but lets not pretend.

6) Hobbies - anything to do with cars or motorbikes...run. Unless you like this kind of thing, and will happily spend hours at car shows and "meets", this guy will bore you rotten. I once dated a guy with a picture of his car in his wallet - I mean WTF??? Oh, and on the subject of pictures....

7) If he has one or more pictures of a car on his extra photos, we have a serious issue. Motorbike = "I will expect you to go on the back of it, regardless of whether you'll muck your hair up, and I'll buy you a motorbike jacket for Christmas when you wanted shoes" (FYI - you will however tend to get a good deal a few years later at a car boot. £50 if you stand your ground).If they have a picture of a kit car they've made....well, do I have to say anything!? And those that think a girl is attracted to a man if they have 4 pics of a chavved up Corsa (with spoiler) then they will be on that site a wee while, and getting their 6 months free.

8) Holidays - "Love Australia...really want to go there" = "I watch Neighbours and Home & Away in between jobs, and think the women look hot. Realistically, Benidorm is the furthest I've been, and that was when i was 12 with my Mum, Dad and mate Dave". We like a man who's travelled, but over travelled means they might bore you with hours of stories and pics of their "inspirational" time in India.

9) Social drinker & occasional smoker = 10 pints of a weekend, and 20 fags a day. Fact. "No answer given" means there's a drink issue.

10) And finally, "What I'm looking for".....serious relationship = a wife / someone to love me, because my Mother didn't. RUN. Friendship and fun = sex.

There are nice men out there, but there are some right knob jockeys and scary chaps too....follow the above guidelines as a starting point and you will avoid Dermots and knob jockeys who may well break your heart.....go for it, it's worth a try! And it is more fun than actually working during work hours!