Whether you are male of female; straight or gay; young or old - at some point in your life, you will have had one of those exes that never seems to go away. The one that pops up every now and again, as if psychically honing in on your vulnerability. They spring up, you forget everything they've done before, because although they were annoying, they weren't horrific. And so, the cycle begins again, until you tell them to bugger off for the hundredth time, and delete their number (again).
I have been subject to this nightmare over the last month. My one that won't get away, is a friend of a friend, who I met a few years back. When I met him, I was feeling very vulnerable as I had just come out of a relationship, and this happy, energetic, attentive guy, was at the time, a god send. I say at the time, I mean that night, after a few wines. We danced, had fun, and ever since it's been a roller coaster of sporadic dating.
He once gave me 100 reasons why I was amazing, but as amazing as he seems to think I am (or more importantly - I know I am) he has always consistently let me down. We all have someone we have let muck us around like this, and we have to stop for our own sanity. And so, I am stopping the cycle with a simple ploy. I am listing for you, and me, the 100 reasons for me not going there again.....
1) He calls me "babe" a lot. I find it patronising. The way he says it, makes me think of the pig for some reason.
2) Our "song" is Spider Pig sung by Homer Simpson. That's actually worse than Dermot singing "Hero" at me.
3) He calls my chest "boobies" like a 12 year old. A always get the feeling, he'd still do that thing on his calculator, where he types in the numbers that spell it upside down (2318008?) and giggle like a twat.
4) He calls me "his women". Not at all patronising. No, not at all.
5) His surname is like that of a Colombian drug dealer. If we married, I may often get searched a lot at airports.
6) He didn't actually tell me when he got a girlfriend, when we were meant to be dating. Facebook told me. He's THAT stupid that he changed his relationship status, forgetting I could see it.
7) He was my date for my 30th birthday. And failed to turn up.
8) He can't seem to hold a job down for longer than 6 months. No one can be made redundant THAT many times unless they are really not very good at the job they do.
9) He wears suit jackets with jeans and trainers. He's 10yrs off a diamante Star Wars t-shirt and velvet blazer.
10) He doesn't have a car.
11) He smokes pot...making him more stupid than he normal.
12) He did coke on our last date.
13) He seems to have a lot of nutty ex girlfriends.
14) He claims to have sent me a Christmas card. Its over a month on. Did he send it by carrier pigeon? And is said pigeon on a jolly to Tenerife?
15) His last excuse for failing to turn up to a date was that he left his mobile in his mates car all weekend.
16) And his computer blew up.
17) And he broke his hand (not finger or fingers - hand) saving a man he didn't even know, from an incident. Good job Super Tool was there.
18) His excuses are always shite - see above.
19) He does a really good, but very irritating Phone Jacker impersonation that he HAS to do for the first 5 mins of every conversation.
20) He always says "I'll bell you straight back". And doesn't. I once waited 9 months.
21) He has never once remembered my birthday on time.
22) He sulks like a child when I get a date.
23) Yet cancels all of our dates.
24) He will chat "street" style if he is with friends and he's on the phone to me. He's a 30 year old half Spanish guy - not a Yardie from the hood.
25) He also calls friends "bro". Again, see above.
26) When he has done wrong, instead of saying sorry, he goes into hiding.
27) He goes to festivals and acts like a twat every year. If you can't plug in my straighteners, I'm not involved.
28) He calls me at work when I tell him I'm busy, and pretends to be a customer, or insists he has to talk to me. Then sulks when I say I have to go. Then calls back 10mins later.
29) He's blond.
30) He's quite short.
31) He's always getting great job offers, that never come off. Hmmmm, probably, maybe, because THEY DON'T EXSIST.
32) I have a feeling that despite being a quite good kisser, he's not going to float my boat in bed.
33) The thought of actually getting physical doesn't do it for me.
34) He's promised to take me to the zoo 4 times. I still haven't seen the penguins.
35)He actually text me once to say his friend kept farting. Are you 30 or 8? And why the fuckety fuck would i give a rats arse?
36) He acts like an only child, despite not being one - needy is not even touching the edges.
37) He gets credit instead of getting a contract phone. I can only assume this is because he is shit with money. As well as being shit with everything else.
38)He thinks that speaking in a stupid soppy voice makes me want him. Want him to fuck the fuck off.
39)I'm pretty sure that on our last date, he did something, be it a kiss or number swap, with another girl.
40)He has far too many female friends that call him "honey", "gorgeous" and "sexy bro" - she maybe his perfect women?
41) He once invited me to his Christmas party, to then cancel on me.
42) He told me it was because no partners were allowed.
43) He then posted pics on Facebook of him and his date and deleted my comments when I asked how come all his colleagues were photographed with their husbands / wives.
44) He reckons his last nutty ex deleted me off facebook.
45) He wears sunglasses in the dark.
46) He gets smasho every weekend, but always reckons he's sick, and didn't go out.
47) He won't read this blog, as he thinks its a silly hobby, and he's scared I'll discuss him (oops).
48)He's a real Mummy's boy.
49)He generally is a nightmare to get hold of anytime you want him.
50)He doesn't deserve Lady Danger's time or effort.
Or another 50 reasons.
Now, that was really therapeutic! My advice to anyone that also has an annoying little knob jockey, like the above - write a similar list. And when they next spring up like a bad penny, you read the list, and delete them out of your life. Let's get rid of the rubbish ladies and gentlemen! And if this particular KJ actually does ever read my blog, I hope he finally realises that he has let me down hundreds of times, and Lady Danger is not a person to be trifled with anymore! LETS GET TOUGH PEOPLE, AND TELL THEM TO JOG ON! See if you can beat my 50......you'll feel a lot better!
(FYI - the only man I would let do this is obviously GB. He can use and abuse me all he likes.Fact.)
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