I'm The Only Spinster In The Village

Greta Garbo. Queen Elizabeth 1. Diane Keaton. Helen Keller. Condolezza Rise. Jane Austen. Joan Of Arc. Florence Nightingale. All of these women are top of their profession, and all of these women were, or are spinsters. The one word that sparks fear in every single women of a certain age....

The term "spinster" was originally intended to indicate a woman who spun wool, thereby living independently of a male wage. These women were invariably single and, due to the medieval fear of unmarried women, became correlated with their pagan sisters as witches. Through the years, thousands of spinsters were burned at the stake, or drowned. Fear that a women could be independent, able to live, and be happy without a husband.Society (IE men and scarily, most women of their age) didn't get it - they must be the work of the devil. Centuries on, feminism has changed our opinions, but the majority of single women, whether they admit it or not, are scared of what their single future holds.

Recently, more than normal, my spinster status has become evident due to a series of events. The first event, was my reaction to a happy smoochy couple on the tube. They were sat opposite me, entwined in one another, kissing. Not just full on snogging (which would have annoyed me just as much) but brief, quick "mwah" kisses. I was tired - I'd just finished a 13 hour shift at the day job, but my reaction was one of utter contempt. I tutted without realising. Really loudly. Then followed it up with a "for Gods sake, do you have to?". The couple weren't English, and therefore may not have understood WHAT I was saying, but the scowl and tut were universal. Bitter? Moi? Never. (FYI - it was a major miss-match - he was quite fit in a brooding French way. She had teeth like a horse and a nose that looked like the product of 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. Love maybe blind - in this case it was taking the proverbial piss).

Next, Facebook kicks me in the teeth. Whilst bored and chilling out today, I caught up with a game I play on the book. After farming my crops, and harvesting my animals and trees, a pop up informed me I'd earned the Cat Lady Ribbon. Taking the mick are we Facebook? Think that's funny do you? My friends did when I posted it on my wall - genius in an ironic way.

But the thing that tipped me over the spinster edge, was an innocent chat the other night with my colleague at work. Due to her dumb arse (male) flat mate, the rather gorgeous Miss K has had to move out of her lush flat, and into her fellas Aunties house, until a suitable alternative is found. Whilst on the phone to me, she told me a bit about the nightmare she had encountered. Auntie is a drinker, with a collection of cats. She has no carpets, and her flats a mess. She rarely cooks, and lives on Super Noodles. And seems a tad bitter and twisted. Shocker - she is single, and never been married. At this point, I was sat in bed, thinking I could murder a glass of wine, with my cat on the bed. On the floor was a pile of clothes and general shite I needed to tidy, but couldn't be bothered. Plus the mess was hiding the fact I currently have no carpet in my bedroom. I wasn't eating a bowel of Super Noddles at the time, but lets just say there's a few packs in the pantry. Bugger.

So why are we so down on being single, happy, successful women? We all give the impression that we are happy with our status - proud to be self sufficient and not have to answer to anyone else. But really we are scared to death. Scared we will end up a crazy cat lady. Scared we will be mocked by society. Scared people will think there's something wrong with us. Scared that in 30 years time, we will be Susan Boyle without the talent, and like the great Miss Garbo, we will "want to be alone". Our families will know us only as "the mad great aunt" and will never visit. (Unless they think we have some cash and they might get it in our will - but being cat lovers, we will have left it all to Fluffy and Catty-kins anyway). We will eat only custard, wear battered old clothes, and local kids will play knock-knock ginger on our doors. But we will at least have the knowledge that we never settled for some half witt idiot who would've made us unhappy, and we did it our way. We will have many more funny stories to tell of our adventures than those we went to school with, who were too frightened to wait, and married Mr First-to-ask.

I personally will be retiring to Florida in my latter spinster years (beats knock konck ginger hands down) with my rather gorgeous ex-boss. We will smoke and drink cocktails in the sun, wearing rather dapper sun hats, whilst perving on the pool boy. By this time Gerard Butler will be 70 and unable to run as fast as me, thus be easier to catch. Admittedly his six pack will be a distant memory, but my rack will be by my knees, so sacrifices will be made on both sides. I will have my day in the sun, and if it's not in a wedding dress, I can live with it.....I can't however live without Puss Cat Danger, or my Super Noodles.

NB: I mate of mine called whilst I was writing this (Pam - you can blame her for the time this took), and pointed out my list of famous single women contains mainly bloody scary ones. A fair point - the great SJP as Carrie did once say "It’s like the riddle of the Sphinx… why are there so many great unmarried women, and no great unmarried men?". Because only women can live with greatness and not feel threatened maybe? Just a thought.....