First Dates. The One Rule is Stick To The List....

As you may or may not have surmised from my blogs, I have not been that lucky with dates of late. In fact, due to a random array of faults (admittedly some mine) I have not made it passed date one for a very long time. Some of them were just awful. Exhibit number one - the touchy-feely middle aged ex game show host, who stank of Cool water, and looked like he'd been dressed by a gay Star Wars fan aged 15. Or exhibit number two - the Dennis The Menace lookalike, who was so boring, the best alternative was to talk to a hammered fire fighter who was accidentally drinking candle wax thinking it was his gin. Or my most recent disaster - the fabulous date that immediately asked me out again, to never return from his climbing holiday (my good mate LK still thinks he is up that mountain - bless her optimism). So I am scared and excited all at once, to tell you I am off to the land of Date One again tomorrow night. AHHHHHHHH!

I was given a list of "can talk about / can't talk about" conversation subjects by a very lovely friend after I told her off a disaster date, where the eine had flowed, and my tongue had runaway with mr. Lets just say, I have had a very varied life, and have therefore been told I have to ensure I have a spin doctor style chat with friends pre dates. Some subjects are really hard to avoid, but I have been instructed to use diversion tactics, to not scare them off. Some of these subjects are quite serious, and to be fair, are a part of me, and who I am - every experience moulds us into the people we are, whether good or bad. So, some of these maybe a bit different from my normal source of blogging. But you know what - hard times have given me the ability to laugh at life and myself, so hopefully you can too.....

My "NO Go subjects:

1) Mean exes. Unfortunately I have a few. The worse of the bunch was thankfully nearly 10 years ago, but was by no small feet, to put it mildly, a mean bastard. Why I stayed with him, I will never know - friends and family loathed him and his power over me. He was one of those men that use subtle tactics to control their women - never would he dare raise a fist to me, but one comment / look could make me feel about an inch tall (those that know me, know I am a few inches taller than that - although not many). Nasty bastard, or Moley Moley Moley as my nearest and dearest called him behind my back (he had a rather large mole on his face - I'd love to tell you he was a looker - I'd be lying), berated and bullied me for the duration of our relationship, resulting in 2 years of quite bad depression. Hence NO Go subject Number One & Two - Nasty, mean abusive exes, and mental illness. Both make first dates look nervous, show pity and move table knives away from me. I however see my experiences as a great achievement - I got rid of MMM and got through a few dark horrible years where things like KFC adverts could reduce me to tears. (The one with the bucket in the garden - it was used for a football goal / to water the garden / as a kids helmet, then ends up muddy in the bush. The line was something like "not all buckets are so unloved" - I sobbed for about 2 hours). Possible happier spin on this subject - "a man i dated was a bit of an arse. I dumped him and cried a bit. Now I'm fine. So what do you think of the X Factor this year?"

2) Well officially "NO Go" number 3. Being proposed to a scary total of four times. Saying yes 3 of those. OK, this number is a bit excessive, but can I help it if I seem to be the kind of girl men seem to want to marry??? I don't get it either. I used to be a right pain in the arse to date - I assume as it's been so long, I will have mellowed with age (we can only hope). The first was due to me being young and foolish. I lived with him in an awful flat in London that was a health hazard and a dump; and he microwaved his socks dry far too often for my liking. The second proposal was the prior mentioned MMM. He didn't actually propose, more assumed. I think his words were something along the lines of "so when you move here (Wales) and buy Mum out of her share of the flat (WTF?), we can get married and start having a family. I was thinking one boy and one girl? OK with you?".....At this point there was a LD shaped hole in his shitty new flats wall (my supposed future abode). Then there was the LOML who's proposal was hardly the most romantic, but had the most potential. We'll come to him in a sec - he's a no go subject all on his own. Then an Aussie who friends reckon was just after a visa. Tell a first date the 4 times proposed to, never a bride stats!? Errmmm, they would either think one of two things...I'm either a commitment phobe / runaway bride or I want to get married REALLY badly. Spin Dr says...."I have had a few serious relationships, but unfortunately none of them were right. Do you know what 2 down was in todays Times' crossword?"

3) The next, as mentioned above, is the LOML. Now, this story does not have a happy ending, but the long and the short of it is, for many years he was my one. The closest LD came to getting down the aisle - we had a church booked and everything. Unfortunately when we moved up North, I discovered living together was a whole different kettle of fish, and that the LOML liked a drink. Fast forward a year, and we were separated, arguing over custody of the cat. Fast forward another year and we were friends. Add 6 months and he was dead from an accidental overdose. It seemed the LOML, who I thought was a bit too drink happy with a bottle of red, actually had a serious drinking issue - I'd just never wanted to admit it. However on this occasion, my hand was forced.So when they ask, "have you ever been in love / Or are you still friends with your ex? (and they do tend to ask these kind of questions - don't ask me, I'm not the one doing the asking), it is really hard to divert their attention. If this does come out, they tend to think one of a few things (you can see it in their eyes) "Is she over him? Is she going to cry? What do i say now???". Spin Dr diversion - "yes, I stayed friends with the LOML. We don't see each other anymore though. Distance issues, you know how it is. Is that Vanessa Feltz sat over there?"

4) My wild youth. Stories I am not to tell - my affair with a married aging DJ when I was 18 years old. Streaking at my friends engagement party with her Sister after WAY too much sambucca. knocking myself out falling backward over a grit bin, after WAY too much sambucca and tequila. Going clubbing on my own and ending up at a random industrial estate with a group of guys, who in hindsight could've been really dodgy. Partying with a cab driver on a Sunday night at a Casino. Being adopted for the night by a stag party from Geneva, and waking up in a hotel with no way of getting home (a 60 year old waitress gave me a lift - I think they thought I was a hooker). A few funny, but not date-one subjects. To add to this, my past job as a manager of a well known sex shop is off the list. All of the above scream PARTY girl, not possible girlfriend. Spin Dr says "I've done a lot for charity. I like small children and puppies. How much did you give to Children In Need last year?"

5) And lastly, the main killer of any first date. The admission that I write a blog. On dating and relationships. Men immediately assume I will write about them, when to be fair, I only put them in here if they are tragic and awful......SO most of the dates (OK all) have ended up in here! Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy. LD has to remain anonymous for the long haul I think!Spin Dr "I like to write. Poetry and children's stories mainly. I am very guarded about my work. You have very big muscles, do you work out?"


But then, as I said earlier, all of the above are a part of me, and how I have developed as a person. If the datees can't handle the list, then they are obviously not the one for this Dangerous Lady. I won't of course freely discuss these subjects - but if they come up, then I won't lie. It was one of my all time favourite icons, Marilyn Monroe that once famously said "“I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” I concur Miss Monroe, and LD salutes you. Lets be ourselves and see where that gets us.....Probably another blog, but c'est le vie!