Recently I seem to have bee stuck in a bit of a rut and more recently, a time warp. The rut is the lack of normal, single blokes - I've had a few dodgy meets, and a few non starters, but no spark has been ignited. Then, we have the time warp - a string of exes and past datees popping up like the Spring flowers in my garden, professing that we "have to meet up". I truly refuse to believe that there is no nice men out there at the mo, and I have always disliked going back. But, I'm in a rut, so here are my candidates, some up for re-election, and some newbys. (FYI - I'm thinking an election style debate would solve this conundrum, but I'm not sure Sky would pay....)
So, running for re-election, we have three candidates, all equal in their good and bad points.....
The Paramedic...
Previous Position - Ex Datee
Age - 31 ish me thinks
Profession - have a guess
For: Fantastic body. Amusing. Phones me drunk on occasion, thus can't moan if I ever do the same. Fantastic body. Saves lives for a living - a very sexy trait. Did I mention his fantastic body?
Against: Doesn't get when I'm joking - slightly insecure I think. On our date, he let me pay for lunch. Slightly big nostrils. Has a tendency of sending me random naked pics when I haven't actually asked for them, or had pre-warning. Once caused a very embarrassing moment when one came through as I was sat next to my boss and she saw. And then showed everyone else at the table. My colleagues. Saving lives, though very sexy, means he is always working.
The Copper....
Previous position - Ex Datee / semi boyfriend
Age - I'll say 34
Profession - guess.... you're getting good at this..
For: Really nice guy. Easy to talk to. Has family nearby, so can multi-location date. Good in bed. Nice body. Has access to handcuffs.
Against: Makes no sound during sex - highly off putting, and at times, confusing. His bro has dated my mate - all a bit incestuous within the area. Has disappeared off the face of the earth not once, but TWICE. The first time, not actually telling me why for 3 days, then getting a friend to finish with me via text. (NB - I found this out when we dated the second time - he had no idea how he'd done it - twat head). Both times, he had books of mine, so both times I had to become a nutty librarian to get them back. Those that know me, know i am passionate about my books.
The Colombian Drub Dealer
Previous Position - friend and Ex datee
Profession - got ya - he's in sales at the mo
Age - 30 going on 13
For: Very funny. Knows how to make me smile, despite the fact that it annoys me (I don't know why - analyse that all you like). Good kisser. Very good dancer. Serenaded me in the street twice. Amazing phone jacker impression.(FYI- NOT GAY MH, if you are reading this!)
Against: Lies a lot. Goes through jobs like a hooker goes through condoms. Speaks a bit "street" at times. Calls me "babe" alot. Didn't turn up on my 30th birthday when he was supposed to be my date. Has a whole blog dedicated to why I would never date him again. (Oops - I have agreed to see him for a drink Saturday....)
The newbies:
The TLC Man
Profession - something very professional & managerial to do with IT
Age - 37
For: Good job, knows what he wants in life. Good looking. Seems normal. Likes to tell me I'm gorgeous. Has invited me for a romantic candlelit meal - LD likes a bit of romance. Asked what I'd do if he whisked me off to Venice. ("GO" was my answer).
Against: His excessive use of the term TLC and asking me if I need it (TLC that is). He also seems to think my career may infringe on my time with him, as I work weekends. Assumes I would want to spend my weekends with him. Seems to want to find a wife.
The Arty Man
Profession - media
Age - 34, but looks 40
For: On the surface, shares similar interests with me - ie films, books etc. Is Northern, and I do like a Northerner. Made a really funny joke the other day, very dark, but clever. Comes across very self assured. Quirky but good looking.
Against - If it wasn't a joke, then it was in fact very weird....Seems to always be wearing a hat, suggesting an issue with baldness. The films he likes, seem to be weird and dark....like the joke....possible psycho nutter....hmmm...and the hats seem of the knitted variety worn by those on e-fits on Crime Watch....
The Child
Profession - banker, supposedly
Age - 25, hence the name
For: FIT FIT FIT. Lives locally. FIT FIT FIT. Won't want to get married quickly. Good job. FIT FIT FIT. Will have FIT FIT FIT mates for my single friends. Do like teaching a younger model some tricks...I'm like a female Paul Daniels me.
Against: He lives locally. I've probably met him when smasho, and therefore said or done something daft in his presence. Having to keep up with a 25 year old sounds exhausting....and if he truly is a banker, he will no doubt be a prize prick with money.
So they are my current "rut" busters, both past and present....Not a great bunch, but as I have always said, you have to shovel through the shit, to find the diamond. Not sure my diamond is in this bunch, or whether they all deserve a go, but if I don't get out of this rut soon, Lady Danger may well become Lady Docile, and no one wants that to happen, especially me....
Wednesday, 28 April 2010
Friday, 2 April 2010
Thank You Mr Cupid, But No Deal
A few days ago, I read an extremely disturbing article written by an American, forty something journalist, on the subject of settling. She had just had her first and only child via insemination, and wrote what came across as a heart felt article, on how if she had known what she knew then, when she was thirty, she would have settled. One of the boyfriends she had dumped ten years previously, she would have, in hindsight marched up the aisle, as they may not have been "Mr Right" but they were the basis (in her eyes) for long term happiness. I'm not going to lie to you, it maybe my naivety, as I am thankfully ten years this woman's junior, but this article made me so incredibly mad! For God sake, us single women don't have much to cling onto at times, but the universal hope that there IS a Mr Right out there, is one thing that keeps my heart warm at night, whilst the fluffy bed socks and fleecy dressing gown look after the rest.
The article got me thinking - will I be looking back in ten years time, asking "WHY??? Why didn't I give him a second chance?". Often my friends claim I am too fussy, but I see it as a search for perfection. Sure, I will be willing to compromise on some factors, that's natural, I really don't expect even Gerard Butler to be perfect, but settle for no chemistry, fizz and wow? No, no, no!
I remember a stupid bint that I used to work with during my second turn at recruitment. She was an irritating, overweight (I'm not a skinny malinky, but when you have issues getting in and out of a swivel office chair, you have a problem)and a loud mouth, with what seemed to be way too much time on her hands, and a lack of talent in recruitment. I got the honour (?) of being placed next to said bint for a while, and didn't I know it. At this point I was single, and rejecting a host of men on a daily lunchtime basis via the Internet. I forgot to mention that some how, the bint had managed to find herself a Mr Bint - I really couldn't tell you how - black mail maybe? No children suggested that the fact she claimed she had quadrupled in weight since that day they walked down the aisle, is an indication the bedrooms were separate. (I'd also like to point out, that if my memory serves me correct, she was an early placement of my then Director, and in a thank you card, sent a piece of her hair, or a nail - it was psychotic and crazy either way). Anyway, I digress. Settling. One day, she actually told me, she had settled, and it was the best thing I could do....she then printed me off the words to a song, which were apparently her inspiration into choosing to settle rather than wait for Mr right. After I had rammed the words down her throat (in my head only), I counted to ten, five times, and smoked about 5 cigarettes, until I could bring myself to sit next to her again. "This lady will never settle", I told myself," I've been through too much already to take the silver meddle". When I looked at this annoying excuse for a woman, I didn't see my future, I saw a divorce waiting to happen.
OK, so that was three years ago, and a million awful dates later, I am still out there, living the single dream (nightmare on occasion). But what if I had have settled? Where would I be now? I have been proposed to a ridiculous four times.....where would I be if I had said OK, and not run the other direction?
Settlement One:
Mr Dull. I'd be living in the arse end middle of nowhere, overweight (I lived on Pizza Hut during our three year relationship). He's still a chef and therefore never home, hence why I lived on takeaway during our time together. We didn't talk or go out, so I assume that'd still be the case. I was also informed he's had an op to ensure he never has kids, so I'd have a lot of pets to make up for the lack of kids. But considering we never actually shared a bed other than to sleep, he would've been able to safely save the money he spent on the op. We'd still be fighting over the fact he considered the microwave a suitable place to dry his socks, and that I had an awful lot of headaches, and too mnay shoes. So far, I'm over the moon I didn't settle....
Settlement Two:
The Welsh Wanker. So we were together for about 2 and a half years. He had a really big mole (and hence got the nickname Moley Moley Moley from my friends), and in hindsight, resembled Niles from Frasier. I was in a bad place when we got together, and I was actually settling for him as a boyfriend. What would have happened if I had settled for him as a husband? Well, as he was evil to the core (those that know him would not argue this point), I'd be clinically depressed, living in Wales, with kids with the surname LLwellyn (his Mum's maiden name that he claimed was more Welsh than his surname and therefore was to be our childrens name). I'd have to endure the horrificness of his family every Sunday, at least, as they paid for half his flat until I had the cash to buy them out. (I'd like to point out, I never agreed to this, he assumed I would want to move in and therefore made the decision on my behalf). They also lived about just round the corner. I'd have no friends, as they all hated him, and I'd be doing a job he deemed lesser than his, as being more successful than him was paramount to treason in his eyes. Drying socks in the microwave looks appealing....
Settlement Three:
Big Nose Twat Monkey.....now he dumped me, and although extremely upset at the time, looking back, I can see I would've broken it off in the long run. Had we worked and still be together? I'd probably have an STD as this man cannot keep his little soldier in his pants. I'd be bankrupt because he earned no money whatsoever, and therefore I always had to pay. I'd have a shit job, as I'd have to work near to him, and that'd mean out of London. He'd have probably tried to sleep with half, if not all, of my friends, and maybe given chlamydia to a few of the ones who aren't so loyal. Seriously, is this how I'd want my life to be??
So looking back, had I settled, I'd be extremely unhappy. This forty-something, sperm- donor - loving Yank can keep her opinions that side of the pond. So what if Carrie had to wait ten years for her Mr Big? She'd never have been happy with Aidan. And yes, Ross and Rachel did break up and make up a million times, but they lived happily ever after in the end. And so will we all, if we believe; have hope; and worship at the altar of faith and romance. Never settle people, it may give you a sense of security to have a man keep you warm at night, but a fleecy dressing gown does the trick nicely, and won't use the microwave to dry socks. No, settling is for loosers, and I am one Lady who will not loose in the game of love.
The article got me thinking - will I be looking back in ten years time, asking "WHY??? Why didn't I give him a second chance?". Often my friends claim I am too fussy, but I see it as a search for perfection. Sure, I will be willing to compromise on some factors, that's natural, I really don't expect even Gerard Butler to be perfect, but settle for no chemistry, fizz and wow? No, no, no!
I remember a stupid bint that I used to work with during my second turn at recruitment. She was an irritating, overweight (I'm not a skinny malinky, but when you have issues getting in and out of a swivel office chair, you have a problem)and a loud mouth, with what seemed to be way too much time on her hands, and a lack of talent in recruitment. I got the honour (?) of being placed next to said bint for a while, and didn't I know it. At this point I was single, and rejecting a host of men on a daily lunchtime basis via the Internet. I forgot to mention that some how, the bint had managed to find herself a Mr Bint - I really couldn't tell you how - black mail maybe? No children suggested that the fact she claimed she had quadrupled in weight since that day they walked down the aisle, is an indication the bedrooms were separate. (I'd also like to point out, that if my memory serves me correct, she was an early placement of my then Director, and in a thank you card, sent a piece of her hair, or a nail - it was psychotic and crazy either way). Anyway, I digress. Settling. One day, she actually told me, she had settled, and it was the best thing I could do....she then printed me off the words to a song, which were apparently her inspiration into choosing to settle rather than wait for Mr right. After I had rammed the words down her throat (in my head only), I counted to ten, five times, and smoked about 5 cigarettes, until I could bring myself to sit next to her again. "This lady will never settle", I told myself," I've been through too much already to take the silver meddle". When I looked at this annoying excuse for a woman, I didn't see my future, I saw a divorce waiting to happen.
OK, so that was three years ago, and a million awful dates later, I am still out there, living the single dream (nightmare on occasion). But what if I had have settled? Where would I be now? I have been proposed to a ridiculous four times.....where would I be if I had said OK, and not run the other direction?
Settlement One:
Mr Dull. I'd be living in the arse end middle of nowhere, overweight (I lived on Pizza Hut during our three year relationship). He's still a chef and therefore never home, hence why I lived on takeaway during our time together. We didn't talk or go out, so I assume that'd still be the case. I was also informed he's had an op to ensure he never has kids, so I'd have a lot of pets to make up for the lack of kids. But considering we never actually shared a bed other than to sleep, he would've been able to safely save the money he spent on the op. We'd still be fighting over the fact he considered the microwave a suitable place to dry his socks, and that I had an awful lot of headaches, and too mnay shoes. So far, I'm over the moon I didn't settle....
Settlement Two:
The Welsh Wanker. So we were together for about 2 and a half years. He had a really big mole (and hence got the nickname Moley Moley Moley from my friends), and in hindsight, resembled Niles from Frasier. I was in a bad place when we got together, and I was actually settling for him as a boyfriend. What would have happened if I had settled for him as a husband? Well, as he was evil to the core (those that know him would not argue this point), I'd be clinically depressed, living in Wales, with kids with the surname LLwellyn (his Mum's maiden name that he claimed was more Welsh than his surname and therefore was to be our childrens name). I'd have to endure the horrificness of his family every Sunday, at least, as they paid for half his flat until I had the cash to buy them out. (I'd like to point out, I never agreed to this, he assumed I would want to move in and therefore made the decision on my behalf). They also lived about just round the corner. I'd have no friends, as they all hated him, and I'd be doing a job he deemed lesser than his, as being more successful than him was paramount to treason in his eyes. Drying socks in the microwave looks appealing....
Settlement Three:
Big Nose Twat Monkey.....now he dumped me, and although extremely upset at the time, looking back, I can see I would've broken it off in the long run. Had we worked and still be together? I'd probably have an STD as this man cannot keep his little soldier in his pants. I'd be bankrupt because he earned no money whatsoever, and therefore I always had to pay. I'd have a shit job, as I'd have to work near to him, and that'd mean out of London. He'd have probably tried to sleep with half, if not all, of my friends, and maybe given chlamydia to a few of the ones who aren't so loyal. Seriously, is this how I'd want my life to be??
So looking back, had I settled, I'd be extremely unhappy. This forty-something, sperm- donor - loving Yank can keep her opinions that side of the pond. So what if Carrie had to wait ten years for her Mr Big? She'd never have been happy with Aidan. And yes, Ross and Rachel did break up and make up a million times, but they lived happily ever after in the end. And so will we all, if we believe; have hope; and worship at the altar of faith and romance. Never settle people, it may give you a sense of security to have a man keep you warm at night, but a fleecy dressing gown does the trick nicely, and won't use the microwave to dry socks. No, settling is for loosers, and I am one Lady who will not loose in the game of love.
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