For centuries, shoes have been the pinnacle of our society. Practical, and a necessary part of daily clothing, we have been inspired by designs, crippled ourselves with 4 inch heels, and at least once (more in my case) chosen a gorgeous, must have pair, over eating for the next few weeks. Imelda Marcos is estimated at having somewhere in the region of 3000 pairs of shoes, and flew all over the world to buy them, whilst the country her husband run was mostly poverty stricken. The Wicked Witch died in her attempt to gain her sisters ruby slippers, which are now one of the most well known and popular items on display on the National Museum Of American History. As children, we all read and dreamed about Cinderella and her glass slippers. I myself, had the debt of a third world country a few years back, but a shoe collection to rival no other - apart from Mrs Marcos.
A women can set her mood by the shoes she is wearing; the choice tends to be extensive. No man can tell a women by her shoes, because we change them dependent on mood. Men on the other hand, tend to be a little bit more transparent, and for many years, I have used the shoe choice a man wears to determine who he is, and what he's like. Lets face it, most men have a limited shoe collection, normally comprising of trainers, smart shoes and a a boot of some variety. Although it's not fool proof,my theory has helped me over the years...
1) Trainers. the most popular choice of a man. These can be sub categorised...
* Running trainers - this man likes to keep fit. He will run rain or shine, and may try and drag you along for good measure. If not, you may have to go and cheer him on, on cold days whilst he runs a half marathon. He will have a good job, and be nice to his Mother. He might be a pain in the arse though and expect you do join him on these charity runs. Names like James, Matthew, and William spring to mind. Public school. May have a stupid nickname from these days. Warning - he may also play sport, rugby, not football, and make you watch.
* Reebok Classics - this man is the opposite of Running Man. He will only run if it involves a challenge after too many Stellas, as to who can reach the kebab van first. He will work in a job that involves a white van and reading the Daily Star. Weekends will see him possibly attempt to play football with the lads, but he'll only play half a game as he'll be too hungover. Names like Darren (sorry Kaz) and Dave (again sorry Kaz) will be popular, as will just being called by his surname. He will be likely to be very good at putting up shelves and fixing your car. Warning - he will most probably leave his socks on during sex, and dependent on age, have once had a pierced ear.
2) Plimsolls - a recent trend has seen the more creative man, start donning a white plimsoll. You know the ones - we all used to wear them to gym class as a child. Now these indicate a man who is creative - arty, a designer, or maybe media based. He will be a fan of gastro pubs, and like football, but not playing it. He will like trendy, up and coming places, and wear glasses instead of contacts. He will watch Come Dine With Me and have dinner a lot with male friends. He will love cooking and think he is a bit of a Jamie Oliver. Moped optional.Names like Owen, and Marc (C not a K). Warning - he will be a little bit too into feelings - a possible wet blanket. Sex could be over quickly - you have a pussy cat not a tiger here.
3) Loafers - oh dear god. Houston, we have a problem. A loafer? Loafers are easy to translate. They will work in lower end sales, or they will be an estate agent (not a very good one). They may once have been a Reebok Classic, but are trying to move up in the world. They will still however drink Stella, and play football. They maybe a tad arrogant, and when they do a "deal" expect you to treat them like a god. Names - Gary (Gazzer) and Steve (Steveo). Warning - they will boast to their mates that they "did ya" in their Subaru.
4) A pointed leather shoe - an upgrade on the loafer. This man is successful in his job, and will wear the pointed shoe with tight, faded jeans, and a black shirt.A suit jacket is optional. A tan isn't. He will be very metro sexual and spend more time in the bathroom than you. They will trim areas of body hair to make their little fella look bigger. They will think they are gods gift, but will be very dull, and other than a few free drinks, pretty useless. Names - Mikey and Wayne. Warning - he will blunt your razor shaving his bits, and wear a thong on the sunbed.
5) Climbing boot / chunky walking shoe - my kind of man! He will be outdoorsy, and be able to fix your fridge. He will love mountain biking, skiing, and hiking. He won't openly mock your love of celeb mags and soaps, but he will secretly think your stupid for doing so. He will be well read and travelled. His job will be different and he won't put up with mood swings or irrational female behaviour. Names - Jake, and Ben. Warning - you may get bored and tired of loosing your Sundays to hiking in the Lake District. The rather good sex may out way this. He won't care about fashion, but the tight arse from all the cycling will make you forget that he only owns two decent shirts.
6) A heeled boot - is that a siren I can hear? Yes, its the fashion police. This man could be one of many things, but worth a date? No. He will love himself, and pretend to be Spanish. He will think he can dance and use his snake hips. He will tell you his name's Andre or Miguel. He will actually be called Andy or Mick and be from Staines. He will teach dance, and leave an orange outline around your bath from the fake tan. He may also be short. Warning - he will smell like he bathes in cheap aftershave. He will also lie about his age. He may have chlamydia. He will also know Derek the greengrocer and try and tempt you into swinging.
There are obviously many more shoes out there - a brogue indicates a man of education and a boring job - think Mark Darcy. A boat shoe would make me believe that he shops in Topman and wants me to think he's rich. He might have once gone on a pedalo in Torquay, but there's no yacht moored in Marbella.
Whatever the shoe, we can all gain an insight into the man. So next time you get chatted up, sneak a look at the chosen footwear, and at the first sign of a Cuban, run as quick as those heels will carry you. Hopefully straight into the path of a pair of hand made Italian shoes, in a size ten....
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