I Do.......Need To Think Outside The Box

This month, I made a bit of a deal with the big fella up above. No not Step Dad Danger, but the big man himself, The Big G. Now, by no means am I a religious women, but I was bought up a hymn singing, church going, good little C Of E school girl, so every now and again old habits re-appear. On this occasion, I made a little request to the Big Fella, and said if he helped out a friend, I'd give up something for lent. At first, this was going to be chocolate, but then we had a hazelnut choccie cake at a meeting, so that was quickly changed to Diet Coke. That went out the window at lunch. The Big Fella was probably despairing at my lack of will power at this point and deciding to reverse his good nature. So I did the unthinkable and gave up men for lent.

Yes, Lady Danger has given up men - this includes dating; sharking; and horizontal dancing. And I have to say, its a bit crap, but I am managing. (Just). Anyway, it has got me thinking about life, and love, and how much it can all change in a year. So I need to be more savy. In a years time, there is every chance I could be loved up and on my way down the aisle....For those who mock this, think about where you were a year ago, and how quickly things change. Did Cheryl think her Ashley would have shagged a minging hairdresser and text pics of himself in his pants to random girls? (FYI - rookie error doing it on nights he was supposed to be watching her on X Factor - double "doh"). Did anyone ever think Mr High Pants himself, Simon Cowell, would get married? And who thought that Katie and Peter would split, and she'd marry a cross dressing cage fighter in Vegas? (Certainly not her agent, who is rubbing his hands together in glee, and skipping to the bank with a big smile on his face). So with this in mind, I've decided to get tactical, and have a plan as to what Lady Danger should be looking for in men, to be Mr Danger potential.

Oddly, a few sites came up when I Googled "what to look for in a husband" - more than a few actually. Advice on what we women should look for is slightly diverse and at times very businesslike. But here are the 4 steps to finding the man who will become your lobster and "complete you" (I have been watching far too many rom coms of late - please excuse me, but I have to have something to fill the time normally allocated to Internet dating - blame the Big Fella, not me). Apparently, this site reckons that finding a husband is like matching shoes to an outfit....a concern for me considering today myself and Kaz bought the exact same shoes, on the same day, in a different town. I don't share.

Anyway, I digress....Here is what I assume an American site has suggested we look for....


Step One:
"Think outside the box. You know that box--the one that holds the journal you wrote when you were a pre-teen and lay next to your dollhouse, gazing at the newly re-arranged furniture and decided what your future mate would look like, smell like, talk like. The sky-rocketing divorce statistics show that we don't always choose the one that best suits us, but rather choose the one who looks the best. A recent magazine survey showed that only 44 percent of the 3,000 married women who were surveyed said they would marry their husbands a second time."

LD Says:
Now, I have a few boxes, but I don't recall ever gazing into a dolls house (we were too poor - I used to use the book shelves in my bedroom for my dolls. The furniture was made by my older sister with the aid of Blue Peter - you may say AHHHH at this point). However, when I was considering what my future mate would look like, I had a weird list that included over the years: Craig Logan from Bros; Jon McIntyre from NKOTB; Nick Berry who plated Wicksy in Eastenders (later in Hartbeat); and Tom Cruise (Top gun and Cocktail, NOT Days Of Thunder). I'm no dimwit, I'm never going to date these men - and now I think about it, other than a young TC, I wouldn't touch the originals, let alone someone who looked like them. So for me, Step One is complete - yes! Awesome work.(I'm assuming this step only includes those we lusted after as kids, and not therefore when I now sit gazing into my framed picture of GB, muttering sweet nothings it doesn't count? Yes? Good).

Step Two
"Find a man who has the same moral values, social skills, political affiliations and financial status as you. This will make your march down the aisle a lot smoother."

LD Says:
Rigggggght. OK. Hmmm. Same social skills as me. OK, so they will not be able to handle their drink very well, and fall over / streak / talk shite after a few. Not the normal qualities I search for, but I'll get onboard. Morals? Lets not go there shall we? The Big Fella might be listening. Political affiliations depends on the level of wine consumed, but standard is Conservative - fairly normal on that one. However I have been known to call Mugabe a nutty twat, and voice my drunken opinions on Bush and 9/11 to anyone that'll listen. If your a Yank in my presence, you have no hope. Financial status - there aren't too many men who went on a massive shoe shopping expedition between the ages of 18-26, only to be left with a debt of a small country. If there are, I'm sure they are called Tarquin and have dated my cousin - the line dancer / DJ / huge queen. I'm struggling on Step Two. It started so well. Damn.

Step Three:
"Avoid the drop-dead gorgeous brawny man. Men with muscular physiques were rated nearly twice as sexy as non-muscular men, but they were also rated twice as intimidating and dominant. "Most women wouldn't choose to marry Brad Pitt because he has so many short-term dating opportunities," researcher David Frederick concluded after conducting a study of 300 college women. He found most women believe that someone that good-looking would not remain faithful to them. "The average woman would probably go for the Ray Romano guy as the long-term marriage partner," he said."

LD says:
Right, firstly, who the fuckety fuck did this survey? Ray Romano from Everybody Loves Raymond over the Pitt-meister?! Obviously he would cheat - he's taken for one thing. Now, I like a big guy, sorry, I don't want Arnie, but a there's something to say for a man who can throw you on the bed and later fix your fridge. Scrawny = booooooorrrrinnnng. I want a big man who can take on the LD and win! It's got to happen one day. (FYI - I once actually had a scary dream that I was Arnie's girlfriend. We broke up whilst on a plane. I asked him to give up body building for me, and he said no. WTF I'd been smoking that caused that dream, I'll never know).

Step Four
"Be smart. Choose a husband who is at least as intelligent as you. Marriage expert Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. writes, "You and he should be roughly equivalent in intelligence, within about 15 IQ points. "

LD Says:
My husband will have to have an extensive knowledge of the following to match my IQ....films, film stars, film stars relationships, Big Brother, Emmerdale, Hollyoaks, Eastenders, Corrie, Harry Potter, shoes, Love Actually, and Benefit makeup. Otherwise, no hope. Working for GB as his PA would add bonus points. Or just knowing his phone number.

OK, four steps, and we have a husband ladies and gentlemen...a winner. To summarize, I need to find a non-brawny man, who has extensive knowledge about Corrie, celebs and shoes (which he will as he owns so many); who isn't Brad Pitt or Nick Berry, who has loose morals (sorry Big Fella) and falls over when drunk. To say I'm not willing to compromise, would be the mother of all understatements if I go after this man...and I'm more concerned that he is actually out there! For now, until he appears (which will most probably on Crime Watch) I will keep day dreaming about GB and how we will bump into each other and fall madly in lust....I may have to start a new box, and get a Hollywood dollshouse.