And The Winner Is.....

The Brit Awards are this year, the grand old age of 30. It's been a rocky road over the years - we'll never forget Mick Fleetwood and Sam Fox's awful attempt at presenting; Jarvis Cocker storming the stage whilst Jacko saved the planet, or Cheryl Coles appalling lip syncing this year. But it has inspired me. Last year was an all time low for dating disasters, and I really feel that these dates should be recognised for their utter crapness and hilarity. So I give you - The Danger Awards 2010. Looking back on a year of horrific dating, and saluting the winners and loosers in each catagory......

So here we are, welcome to year one. I am your host for the ceremony, Miss Lady Danger, and will be taking you through this years awards, guests, and winners.

Let's begin with tonights first award -

Worst Anti-Climax 2010
Here to present the award, is my good comrade, Kaz (TL). Kaz has been at the heart of many a night out discussing the terribleness of my dates, and is proud to be presenting tonights first award. If this was a real ceremony, Kaz (TL), would sweep onto stage, looking rather gorgeous in a slinky strapless number, with a G&T in hand....but it's my diverse imagination, so we'll say Robbie Williams' sernading her as she walks toward the stage.

"Tonights nominees for Worst Anti Climax 2010 are as follows" - Says the rather cool calm, and gin fuelled Kaz....
1) The Paramedic for the worlds crappest lunch date after two years...(claps)
2) The Fireman for the worlds most disappointing dress up / bunk up....(sniggers and claps)
And
3) The Policeman for being Welsh and not the South African he'd told me he was...(claps and nods of knowingness).

"And the winner is........The Fireman, for the worlds most disappointing dress up / bunk up".

A worthy winner ladies and gentlemen. The Fireman was met last Summer at a mutual friends wedding. I'd been roped in as a plus one, and myself and HH were placed on a table of 10 single men. (Playing with fire right there). It was a fun table. With the stealing of excessive wine and champgane from other tables, the book we had running on numerous speeches, and general drunkness, mayhem and mischief was bound to ensue. In my case, it was pulling a young whipper snapper fireman. (For the first hour I thought he was a farmer as his accent was a bit Souuuuuth London and I hadn't heard him properly - did think it was weird as he was from Bromley, but thought he must have a city farm. Piss taking did, and still does occur). Anyway, we hooked up a few weeks after the wedding for a bit of "fun". Drinks, snogging, and back to his. Love an uncomplicated life. We'd text before the night, and I'd jokingly suggested he dress up in his firemen outfit for me. THE biggest anti climax in the world. He looked like he was wearing a fancy dress costume too sizes too big, and just stood there like a lemon. There's something to say for an older more confident man. Biggest disappointment of 2010. Fact. He didn't even give me a few sexy cheesy lines - I was expecting a bit of "Do you fancy a go on my pole?" but no such luck.

Our next award is our international catagory of the evening. Presenting the award, is my long suffering friend, who loves the stories of my antics, Miss Irish. Miss Irish, has been there through the years of various international men, so is proud to be asked to present this year...clutching a large whiskey, Miss Irish, will saunter (stagger) up the stairs, after gagging her two angelic looking children...

"Tonights nominess for Worst International Date 2010 are....
1) The Columbian Drug Dealer for I'll sing to you on our date, then pull someone else whilst your in the loo. (Claps).
2) The Scottish / South African for I'll get you trollied and be a complete tool. (Boooos).
3) Pervy Welsh Tim for I'll look nothing like my profile picture and be an annoying Welshmen who treid to feel up your best mates friends tits when they were 18 and he was their boss. I'm now a copper. (A few "we've all been there's").

And the winner is........Pervy Welsh Tim for looking nothing like his profile pic and being awful...

OK, I should have known that this date was going to be a nightmare in advance. For starters, he had one picture up on his internet profile, and in it he was wearing ski goggles. I should've run for the hills but, he reminded me of someone and looked OK (how bad can someones eyes be?!). His choice of location was a local pub - his local. It was like a date in the Woolpack. Anyway, he looked nothing like his picture; was short, and worst, Welsh. I love an accent, and I'm not being all Anne Robinson about our Daffodil loving neighbours, but that accent drives me mad for all the wrong reasons. He'd claimed to be half South African, but there was no hint of the Antipodean. He kept buying me more glasses of wine, to the point I had three in front of me at once, and I discovered a bit more about him. He used to run a local bar, where my friend worked, and he was known as Pervy Tim, as he'd felt up her unwilling friend. When I dated him, he had got to the level of Detective, so had gone further. But from the way he was plying me with wine, he still wanted to cop a feel, and seemed to think that getting his date trashed was the only way to achieve this.(In fairness, I'd have to be passed out for this to happen). Unfortunately the vat of wine he bought me, did nothing to change the fact he was Welsh and a knob end. No Welsh rarebit for me - he can keep his bits at a safe distance thank you very much.


Our third award and biggy of the evening, is the Worst Date Of 2010. To present this award, we have the delectable fellow sharking buddie of mine, HH. HH has literally been through every step of the 2010 dating journey, and actually set me up with one of tonight nominees (and was the one who worked with Pervy Welsh Tim). HH would sweep gracefully up the stairs, martini in hand, followed by the fit door host from last weekend carrying her handbag and Marlborough Lights. (HH is more than capable of presenting this award - her first date in a long time invloved her goregous but dim date asking is tapas was food served in a creamy sauce).

"Tonights nominees for worst date of 2010 are:
1) Dennis The Menace for I'm so boring, and dress like a gay cartoon character / yob. (Claps, and sniggers).
2) The Game Show Host / Keep Smiling for I'm 10 years older than my profile picture, wear a diamante t-shirt and stroke your hand whilst you try and eat. (Big boos and "keep smiling's" shouted from the audience).
3) Alright Mate for I'm so Souuuuth London, that I'll call you "mate" all night and show you a picture of my car, that I keep in my wallet.

And the winner is.....Dennis The Menace for I'm so boring, and I dress like a cartoon character.

Jesus Mary and Jospeh. To say this date had disaster written all over it, was an insult to disasters. This was the Jedward of dates, accept it wasn't so bad it was good (actually, nor are Jedward, so not sure why I said that). I'd been going through a bad spell on a well known dating website, and was informed by a friend, that I was being too fussy. I like to look for a spark - a funny, witty email, a bit of intrigue and fun. Unfortunately, the most you tend to get on these sites is a boring two line email, saying something mundane. But, I take constructive critisim, and when this guy mailed me, I agreed rather quickly to a date. The day of the date, I quite frankly was having MAJOR cold feet. Yes, his picture was good looking, but he had the charm of a sewer rat, and the intelligence of a Big Brother contestant. I text him and cried off the date, and settled down for a night of Christmas card writing and Stevey The TV. 7.40pm a text came through saying he was on route to the bar we were meeting in..."WTF?" was my reply....His phone was playing up and he hadn't got my text. After a lot of umming and ahhhing, I jumped in my little car and sped through the night. As I walked in the bar, I was shocked by what I saw. Firstly, my mates were out on a Christmas party. Secondly, my date was sat there wearing a black and red striped, tight, jumper, looking like Dennis The Menace. Torn between who to talk to first, I waved at my friends, and addressed my date, who at this point jumped off his bar stool. Oh dear God. He was my height, in heels (me in heels, not him). He was DULL as dishwater, to the point we discussed holidays. I spent 2 hours texting my friends asking them to save me. The highlight of the date was a drunk fireman on a night out, sitting with us and talking shite for 30 mins, before he acknowledged he was in fact drinking candle wax and had left his drink at the bar. When Dennis left, he put on a Stone Island jacket (indicating he supports Millwall) and a silk, purple, spotty scarf. Mixed with the Dennis jumper, this was a lethal combination, and led me to believe he is a gay, cartoon character, football yob. I never replied to any of his future messages, and decided that never again would I not follow my instincts. It was 4 hours of my life I'll never get back. I should sue my friend for poor advice. It was more painful than sitting through the film Nine. At least then I got to sleep.

The last award of this evening is for the Life Time Unachievement Award. There were a few nominees for this catagory, but I think there was always going to be one winner. And as host of the evening, I feel it my honour and duty to present it personally.

The winner has been a prize knob jockey over the years, but last year surpassed himself in awfulness. As a taken man, trying to sleep with Lady Danger consistently over the last 3 years has been pretty funny to be a part of. How much rejection can one person take? Seemingly, a hell of a lot.I hope his girlfriend sees sense, gets an STD test (I'm all clear thankfully), and his little man drops off. His only achievement in life, is that he'll never be happy and fulfilled because he has no idea how to connect with one women - he likes to "connect" with as many as humanly possible it seems. So the Life Time Achievement Award goes to my horrendous ex, who will be so happy to have been mentioned, Big Nose Bad Hair Twat Monkey. May 2010 lead to me never being so desparate, that I think you're a good option. I'd rather a million more shite dates and thus 2011 nominees, than spend a night with him.

And so, to all the single men out there - please don't end up in the nominations for The Danger Awards 2011 - I'd like some better luck this year please! I know you have to shovel through the shit to find the diamond, but my spades getting rusty and I've got arms like Popeye...