I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman

"I did not have sexual relations with that women" - Bill Clinton. "Iraq has weapons of mass destruction" - Tony Blair. "I've discovered America!" - Christopher Columbus (OK, not a direct quote). Three examples of lies, exaggerations, and "truths" that men have used over the years to convince the world they are innocent, just, or have made a momentous discovery. These three were pretty big lies, and all were caught out, and made in history to look like total dicks. There is no denying, that men dislike the truth like cats dislike water. Granted, it's not totally impossible to find a cat that likes a bath, or a man who knows how to tell the truth, but men seem to have a alarm button in their brain that makes sense leave, and the lies come into play.

Over the years I've born the brunt of some classic lies, as have we all. How many times have we been told "they'd run out of your magazine" = " I was too busy looking sneakily at the porn on the top shelf, that I forgot your copy of Heat". Or, "I searched and searched and couldn't find the pickle" - you look, and find it straight away in the fridge. Men just seem incapable of admitting they've made an error, and so to save face, they think up a genius lie to through us off the scent. More so I'd like to point out, when in a relationship situation.

The big nose twat monkey (with bad hair) that I went out with a few years ago, was a prime example of such a man. His lying abilities were pretty good, and at the time, he had me hook line and sinker. Thankfully he and I parted, but some of his classic lies stay with me. Over the years I have learnt what the truth of the matter was. Some of the following are examples of Big Noses' corkers; some are from the array of other knob jockeys I have had the misfortune to date over the years....

"My ex is a serious nutter". Meaning - "My ex was seriously pissed off with me when we broke up. She'd discovered that I was a lying toe bag, who had been sleeping with her sister, and really flipped out. She threw a drink over me; told me I was shite in bed; that my collection of Sharpe on DVD was sad; and that my sex face was really, really ugly. She is obviously mad, as I am blatantly amazing in bed (her sister told me), and I love Sharpe. He rules the seas".

"I like independent women". Meaning - "I like uncomplicated women. Someone who won't want me to discuss our relationship, or feelings. An independent women will sleep with me, but bugger off when I'm out on the lash with the boys. And she won't mind if I don't come home, (I'll be shagging her sister), because we will have our own space and therefore she won't know. Yeah, independent women rock".

"I've done some thinking. I was wrong". Meaning - "FUCKKKKKKKK. There's no way round this one. I've blamed her period, and it's not for weeks. I've said she's being irrational, and she looked really annoyed. I've said sorry, it's not my fault. That didn't work either. Fuck a duck, I will have to do the unthinkable and pretend it is my fault. Or I'm getting no sex. I'll not get a good nights sleep on that sofa, and we're playing The Red Lion at footie Sunday and I need to be on form. Great, I'll have to take one for the team. But I'm not wrong. No, really, I'm not. It wasn't my fault I forgot her birthday. We've only been going out 2 years. And she didn't write it in the diary she gave me for Christmas like she usually does. Her fault all the way. I just can't work out how."

"I wanted to be honest with you. I don't like cheaters". Meaning - "Oh crap. I hope she buys this. She is blatantly going to find out I've been shagging the barmaid from the pub. Especially now I've caught chlamydia. And she's probably got it. But if I dump her now, she'll respect me, and hopefully get drunk and sleep with someone who she will then think gave it to her. Nice - maybe I can get one of the lads to help me? Hmmm, worth a thought."

"I think we need to take a break". Meaning - "I'm hoping that the girl I met last weekend when you were being "independent" puts out. If we're on a break, I can work out if she's better than you, and not feel guilty. If she's not, I can turn on the charm, tell you I missed you, and I was wrong, and you'll be so grateful that you might do that thing I've been trying to get you to do in the bedroom. If not, hopefully the other bird will. She had the look of someone who'd be up for it".

"My girlfriend / wife and I don't connect anymore. Not like me and you". Meaning - "I really really want to sleep with you. Her at home is has her monthly curse and is being a right hormonal cow bag, and wouldn't put out last weekend. And she got cross that I didn't wash up, and forgot her birthday, and gave her chlamydia. But you seem nice and independent, and if I tell you you and I connect, you will probably sleep with me. And if I add a double lie and tell her I'm not sleeping with the girlfriend / wife anymore, then I'll defo be on a winner".

"I'm not looking for anything serious". Meaning - "I'm not looking for anything serious with you. My mum doesn't like you (and she's my best friend) and the lads at the pub call you fat arse. You've asked me to be your plus one at your mates wedding and that's way too much commitment. God, I wish I hadn't got drunk and told you I was falling in love with you. It was only because of the beer".

And my all time favourite - "it's not you, it's me". Well, that one is true - you're the knob jockey, not me. Men lie, to get what they want out of us. Men lie to make out that they're not the baddy. Men lie because some of them just can't separate fact from fiction. Kevin Spacey in The Usual Suspects sums it up perfectly. "The greatest lie the devil ever told was to convince the world he doesn't exist". In this case, the devil is one Big Nose Twat Monkey. We all know one, and I can assure you, the packaging may change, but the lies don't.