Summer Loving, Had Me A Blast?

Sun, sand, sea and sex on the beach, the ingredients for some for a perfect holiday. We've all had those holiday flings - you know the ones, where the sun is shining, the skin is glowing, and after a few free shots, the guy who back home, would make you run a mile, suddenly turns into George Clooney. Before you know it there's sand in places you never thought possible and you're being arrested for public indecency.....just me? (Kidding - I am a Lady remember). But a holiday romance should last as long as your sunburn, and my rule is to get out before the skin peels. Relationship "experts" say that rarely do holiday romances lead to a long term commitment - no shit Sherlock, my cat could have told you that! We do it because we are at our most relaxed (unless like me you have a thing for holiday locations beginning with B and have got so far down the list that you're in Baghdad...) and the romance of the sun and sea lulls us to fall for that tanned Adonis over a Pina Coloda.

But how does it happen, and what happens next? Well, I reckon I've sussed the three main options of men we fall for on our hols, and in Danger world, this is how it'd go:

Types:
I reckon, over the years, I have met and fallen for three types of men.
1) The Waiter. Come on now, we've all done it. For starters, they are always tanned. They are normally met at night, when we are tanned and relaxed, and drinking. Due to said tan, Goran will look even hotter in the white shirt with the open top button. Add into it a little necklace - think leather chain with a coin or something like that. You get the picture.....I'm fancying Goran as I type....passport and ticket for one to Rhodes please Mr Cab man!
2) The Traveller. You'll meet him on the beach, where he'll be sat on his own, chilling, or possible doing yoga. Tanned, shaggy haired, and with piercing eyes, you'll fall for his care free spirit and one man attitude. His stories of trekking in Tibet and saving turtles will inspire you, more so if you've shared his rolly (which will probably be a joint). The fact he's currently in Benidorm won't even come into question - he's so out there and cool, you'll over look it. (For now).
3) The Brit Abroad. Dave we'll call him, as it sounds very lads on tour. He'll be away with the boys, and you'll meet him when he's playing volleyball in the pool and the ball accidentally hits you when sunbathing. He'll be tanned (a re-occurring theme) and be a jack the lad but has bought one of those necklaces with the coin on (after potting it on Goran the night before and deciding it looked cool) so you will be strangely attracted to him....

The First Kiss:
1) Goran. You'll have dragged your mates to Goran's restaurant every night for the past three days. Sick of eating dodgy paella, your mates will insist tonight you talk to him, after days of gazing at him over the menu. So tonight, you flirt, talk, and after being fuelled by free shots after dinner, that taste like mouth wash, you agree to go on a ride on his motorbike. Well, it'll be a moped, but you'll not care. Clutched onto Goran, you'll speed along the deserted roads, to a secluded spot. He'll tell you in broken English, that "your eyes, they pierce my heart. I feel alive" (or "your ees, that peeerce me hurt. I fell aleeve" - not sure what accent that is, but you get the jist). Then, you kiss. He tastes of Marlborough's and smells slightly of fried food. But the moon shines, and for now, Goran "hes your hurt".
2) The Traveller. You've joined him for a moonlight sing song around the camp fire, with the locals (in this case, as we are in Benidorm, Mavis the ex-pat and her husband Mario). After a few more of Phoenix' rollys, you are feeling fuzzy and warm. And slightly sick. Phoenix takes you off for a walk, when he tells you he feels like you were meant to meet, and the universe brought you together for a reason. That reason is planted on your quivering lips (due to being stoned) and you feel like the world is spinning and there's never been a more magical night. You're also pretty sure that the tree behind Phoenix just winked at you..
3)The Brit Abroad. Dave and his mates, will be watching the hotel entertainment with you and your girls. It'll be some hideously bad local singer who can't pronounce his R's properly. After, once you've laughed your make up off, Dave will challenge your group to a game of pool, and you accept. The Stella's will flow (better than the nasty wine the hotel serves) and after excessive cheating on your part, you beat Dave. Flirty flirty, more Stellas, and Dave and you continue playing long after the others have dispersed and gone to bed. Dave will then start a play fight, leading to the kiss over the table. A cheer will be heard - his mates are watching over the balcony. Nice.

The Holiday unfolds....
1) A week in and Goran has driven you half way round the island, and spoken "sweat nofings" into your ear. His lack of vocabulary is starting to grate a bit, and you gave in last night and made "swaet loove", and it wasn't that sweet, or very long. And the necklace you thought was so sexy earlier in the week, kept whacking you in the face during the deed. But more concerningly, Goran keeps talking about when he comes "to the Inland". You think he means England, and are wishing you hadn't swap addresses and numbers after the kiss under the moonlight. Bugger.
2) Phoenix on the other hand won't be telling you stories of when he comes to England, but will be trying to convince you to jack it all in and go travelling with him. Tempted as you are, you've started to notice a strange smell around Phoenix, and have ascertained that as you only making the loove (sorry, that's Goran) under the stars by Mavis' campfire, Phoenix doesn't actually have anywhere to live. Or wash. Hence the smell. And as a few of the kids staying at your hotel have been caught smoking drugs behind the bar, you've got an inkling, that the little money he does have is through dealing. And he keeps begging you to cash in your remaining travellers cheques, and give it to him to buy you both tickets to Pathos....
3) Dave is now sunburnt, and seems to have developed a slight Stella belly. You found his impressions of Roy Chubby Brown endearing at first, but now you realise he is slightly racist, sexist, and you're pretty sure that the itching you've developed since sleeping with him, isn't heat rash. You've also found out he lives with his mum, and only afforded the holiday after suing the police for false imprisonment. Only it wasn't false imprisonment. He really did punch a kebab van owner for there not being enough chilli sauce on his donor.

The Tan Fades....
1) The tan is fading; the pics are developed. You didn't realise quite how much Goran looks like a young Danny DeVito (with hair and height), and that he is a bit cross eyed. Those pics are so not making it onto facebook - maybe the ones he is wearing sunglasses in. All is going well, until the fist letter arrives. It speaks of the impending arrival of Goran. And his mum. You now have to move house. Or contact Phoenix and take him up on the offer of Pathos....
2) However Phoenix, or Malcolm as you find him to be called, is in prison. The Spanish police caught up with him after Mavis got so stoned she nearly drowned in the kiddies pool at the nearby hotel. Mario thankfully got her out in time. Turns out Phoenix, sorry Malcolm, is a wanted felon, and after showing her your holiday pics, your mum recognises him on Crime Watch.
3) Dave meanwhile is back in Wigan, and back in work. His mate Deano got him a job in his local Polish club as a barman. He keeps texting you asking to "cum down 2 LDN" but you still can't forgive him for the STD he gave you. You ask him not to contact you again, but he is pretty persistent. Until his credit runs out.

So, the tan fades, and so does the thrush given to you by Dave. The coin necklace Goran gave you snaps, and the last rolly Malcolm gave you, is discovered at the bottom of your case. Thankfully found by you, and not customs. Next years holiday seems a million years away, but when you get there, Mehmet / Rainbow / Darren will be waiting to sweep you off your feet. And have some Summer loving baby....