Over the past few years, wedding invites have started to become more frequent, mainly due to my membership to the 30's club. Last year, I had 2, this year two, and already a few lined up next year. As a singleton, and one of few spinsters left in the village (literally), weddings are a mixture of fear, excitement and a wee bit of "whens my turn?" (Obviously when GB works out i am the one for him, and whisks me off to LA. Actually, he could whisk me off to Skegness during rainy season and I'd not care).
This weekend, I attended, and helped celebrate the wedding of two of my dear friends, and I have to say, it was the most gorgeous day, and even I got a tad teary during the ceremony (a first). It was everything a wedding should be - the ceremony was short and had no hymns (not a fan); the bride looked gorgeous yet understated, and the venue was simply divine. And a free bar is always a plus in my book. But not all the weddings I have been requested to attend (and some I've not - plus ones r us), have followed such a divine pattern.....
My guide to a perfect wedding for a dangerous lady...
1) Plus ones - if I'm single, don't put a plus one. I know your trying to be nice, and "hopeful", but it makes single people feel like we need to magic a superman out of thin air. Or we take another single friend, and just cackle and get drunk together. Or we find a suitable man, but scare the shit out of him when we ask him to be our plus one. I did this a few years back, and it was like I'd proposed. There was a man shaped hole in my door, and dust blowing up from his quick exit. I went alone, and felt worse. NO plus ones peeps....it is not helpful.
2) Ceremony - not too long is the key for me. I've attended some I thought would never end - singing, praying, hymns, readings....we get it, you love each other, but lets not be bored beyond belief by it! 30 mins is the perfect amount, then the celebrating can reallllly start. And I love it when people write their own vows....normally because they are bloody hilarious and slightly vomit inducing - think the expression is "so bad, its good". " When I first saw you snuggle-kins, across that crowded bingo hall, I knew from the way you stamped your card, that you had stamped a mark on my heart forever". Genius and horrific all at once.
3) Entertainment - magicians are annoying. Comedians are generally not funny unless you've booked Michael McIntyre. DJs should be vetted thoroughly so you don't have a "scream if you want to go faster type" or someone whos most recent track is SClub 7. And for the love of god, no tributes. Five overweight men sat on stalls, murdering a Boyzone medley is just wrong. A good mixture and a right knees up is all we require to do a bit of drunken dancing...My personal fav was the wedding I went to that had Irish dancing. I decided I could do it just as well, and if it wasn't for the strong arm of my friend, I'd have been right up there. I've watched enough River Dance - it can't be THAT hard.
4) Table placement - don't put the singletons with the smug marrieds, unless you want LD drunk before you've done the first speech. Some hotties are always welcome - the wedding where myself and my lovely fellow spinster H were sat with 8 single men was a personal fav.And keep me away from emotional parents unless I like both the groom and the bride. I got stuck for an hour with a sobbing Father of the Bride once, and couldn't stand the girl, but had to sympathetically nod whilst he sobbed about her. Sambucca was my only cure.
5) First dance - another often genius "so bad it's good moment" - and you can normally tell the length of the marriage by the choice of the song. Not exposing my theory on this, because a few people are in the wrong category. Tragedy by Steps....hmm, funny but a bad sign. Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On - errr, hello?! NO! And for fuckety fucks sake, Police - Every Breath You Take - I didn't know where to look. You may as well say "I'll stalk you if you ever leave me. And I saw you smile at Des from the greengrocers. He'll have a brick through his window Monday".
6) Throwing your bouquet - DO IT. Yes, its a tradition, and yes it's false hope, but for heavens sake ladies, give us something! You've had your perfect day, and we want ours. Catching your bouquet, or trying to, is a glimmer of hope through the spinster fog. These days, it's all "but I want to keep it and press it, and have it as a memory forever". You have a husband love, at least give me a bunch if dying flowers. I'll even lie and tell you I love the fact you have modelled your hair on Jordan and have about three horses' worth of hair extensions piled on your head like a cheap hooker. Fairs fair.
Thankfully, the wedding at the weekend ticked all the boxes of glorious-ness, minus I believe the bouquet throwing (to be fair the free bar means I have no sodding clue if it happened....so I am willing to let it slide!). I truly believe the gorgeous couple will grow old like the two lovely Dinosaurs in their reading. Now, as for those that have subjected LD over the years to shite cheap champagne; crappo DJs; and sat me with smug marrieds....if you get married a second time, do me a favour and through the bouquet my way. If I'm going to get GB I need all the help I can get.
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