Big Head, Big Head, Big Head!

Have you ever seen that episode of Friends where Mr Heckles dies and they are clearing out his apartment? Chandler finds his High School Year Book, and realises they had a lot in common....More so when he realises that like him, Mr Heckles listed faults with dates. Big nostrils; piggy eyes; and loud - the list was endless, and Chandler worries he will also turn into a sad, old, lonely man, unable to ever settle due to his fussy nature. He then dates a woman who he previously rejected, and all he can think is "BIG HEAD, BIG HEAD, BIG HEAD".

I've been told a lot in the last year that I am also too fussy. I pick faults in my dates, and use it as an excuse not to venture onto a date number two. I personally see it as a pure and simple rule that I will not settle - this Lady knows what she wants and likes, why should I settle for someone who isn't right, and who's fault will annoy me?! I mean, if you didn't like walnuts, you wouldn't pick them as your food of choice to graze on for the rest of your life would you? Or if Noel Edmunds makes you want to throw things at the TV, you wouldn't happily watch repeats on loop of Noel's House Party would you? NO. So why should I have to put up with premature baldness; annoying accents or midget men just because I am single and should "look" past the flaw!? I'll end up in prison for some kind of rage related incident....Drowning the midget in a puddle; sticking the shiny bald head through a window - you get the jist. (LD has a temper when annoyed....It's not an attractive trait, I'll be honest).

OK. I admit, I sound shallow. I am no super model, and I'm in some areas, a little on the high maintenance side, but I am willing to compromise in some areas. If they don't earn buckets, but love their job I'll happily pick up the tab. But if they are a layabout with no ambition in life? REALLY? I think not.

So my list of pet hates and turn offs are really just me saying NO to settling and I'll be honest, they are deal brakers. Fact.

1) Accents.
Some turn me on, some make me cringe. Give me an Aussie, Kiwi, Irish or Scottish accent, and I'm putty in my dates hand. However, some I just cannot visualise ever finding sexy, and if I think I'd laugh if they shouted my name in the heat of passion.I mean, a Welsh accent makes me want to vom...probably due to dating a Welshy for way longer than he earned. Or a West Country accent - double vom. Scouse - makes me far from "calm down". I want an accent that makes me want to melt, not throw up, so unless they are going to willingly visit a vocal trainer, and have a Higgins style makeover ("the rain in spain falls mainly on the plain") then there's not much point in a date one. I'll possibly want to throw things at them. Even one of my celeb crushes, David Tenant, I only fancy when he talks in his Dr Who accent. When he's a Scot (which I normally like) I don't see us marrying....And I have the wedding all planned - it was to be at Edinburgh Castle, in the little chapel that seats about twenty people. He'd wear a kilt, I'd have a demure little number on, and we'd party after Scottish stylee in a quaint pub style place. But he isn't sexy when he's not talking like the Dr, so like I said, a deal braker.

2) Height.
A very recent topic. I met a guy through match.com a few weeks back, and being a bit of a dim witt, I didn't realise HOW short 5'5 was. Now, I am 5'1, so to be far, he's taller than me. But we looked like oopma lumpas having a day out. Even I laughed when I saw our reflection in the mirror at the bar. I sliently cringed when I saw him standing at the bar waiting to be served....It was like a kid reaching up asking for a squash. However, I had a good time, as he was pretty great in all other areas, and at least when we kissed I didn't get a crooked neck (as a sufferer of neck problems for the last 14 years this was a bonus - but to be fair, I like getting massages so it is cancelled out as a plus). BUT really? I like a tall man so I feel all protected - it's a bit of a big thing for me. I couldn't get over it. That and he turned out to be boring as fuck when I wasn't gin fuelled....To the point I actually did the whole "hello? hello? I can't hear you...my signal's going" then hung up when he was boring me the other day on the phone. But the height was the main issue. I even googled small celebs to work out HOW short he was prior the date. If you're interested, he was taller than Jamie Cullum (5'4) but shorter than Richard Hammond (5'7). And the same height as me in heals. He'd have drowned in a puddle, whether I was holding his head down or not.

3) Profession
Ok, here is where I can sound really stuck up, but to be fair, is it wrong to at least want a man that has a profession?? I'm not saying I want a Dr (unless the Dr is the previously mentioned Mr Tenant), but signing on whilst pursuing a dream of a music career, when really they are spending their days playing Call Of Duty; getting stoned and watching Top Gear repeats on Dave, does not cut it with me. If they are good at their job, love it, and have passion, then as long as said job isn't something like a taxidermist or undertaker, then fine. But lets be honest, some jobs are more appealing. Bankers make me want to throw things at their head. IT geeks bore me under the table. Creatives tend to be a bit too serious at times for me. a nice normal job would be fine but let there be one. I'm not very good at making small talk about Jeremy Kyle, or Janice, the woman at the local job centre who told you she'd stop your money if you didn't go on a job interview - uhhhh NO. have an ambition by all means, but have the talent to go with it, and a bit of drive. It's sexy. I won't pass if you do.

4) The English Language
My biggest turn off with any man, and what could actually make me turn down Gerard Butler.....Text speak or bad spelling. The use of "hehe" has actually made me finish a flourishing dating romance - it made me cringe and get really mad. I can handle "lol", "wtf" and "ffs". But "2morrow" "b4" .... No one over the age of 17 should use text speak. It's chavvy; lazy and stupid. I will be honest - I will tell you to do one. And whilst we are on texts / calls - i hate men that bombard me with "why haven't you text me?" (worse, "y no txt?") - i have a busy job, i don't have my phone with me at work....Needy before date one? Really?

There are many more deal brakers. We know about my worry of dodgy names. Dress sense Reebok Classics? Football shirts when your teams not playing? Umbro? Keep walking. A love of motorbikes? Never going to stand in a field watching you race them, and the chance of getting me in a leather all in one and helmet? Pretty slim. I sound fussy. I sound shallow. But why on earth should I settle on things that i don't like for the sake of getting off the shelf? I am fussy because I know what I like, and if i'm screaming "BIG HEAD, BIG HEAD, BIG HEAD" then you will be crying in your cornflakes and not seeing me again. Perfection is hard and rarely found, compromise is needed, but I know what I want, and the big things matter. That includes height, so midgets, please do not apply.It's been raining a lot lately, and I like walking through puddles!