One Night In Heaven?

So, recently the Lady Danger score sheet has lacked any notches on the bedpost. It's frustrating (in more than one way) and quite unlike the whirlwind of craziness and sexual escapades of my late twenties (OK, ALL my twenties). Dates have gone from bad (Dennis The Menace); to worse (Keep Smiling - the ex game show host); to the damn right awfulness of going well and him never calling again (he is still climbing the mountain, I'm sure of it). This array of awfulness at the first hurdle, led me to think that maybe I just needed to get back in the saddle and have a bit of a fling - a one night stand. After all, it works in the movies - Andie McDowell ends up with Hugh Grant (Four Weddings), Julia Roberts gets with her man, and gets paid.....and they all live happily ever after. So, sod it I thought, lets do this!

A lot of shots and a night out later, and I'm shuffling a man who's name was either one of two possibilities, out of my house. The night was a blur; and he seemed really pissed off that a)I wasn't up for round 2 in the morning (exact words I believe were "unless you have two nurofen in that, you can forget it") and b) I live no where near him and was in no fit state to attempt to drive him home. "This isn't how it is in the movies" was my thought once the taste of tequila had worn off, and then past nightmare one night stands and their consequences came flooding back.....

Firstly, where I met my various one night stands has been random over the years, but lets face it, they tend to have drink involved. I once met a guy at a friend of a friends birthday party, and I'm ashamed to say, we left after about 20 mins. (Yes Kaz, you weren't the only birthday I ditched for a fella!). We'd downed rather a lot of wine on the coach on route, and I was smasho on arrival.I think I'd even fallen down the stairs into the bar (classy). As we were in London, and didn't live there, we cabbed it back to his. £60 and some rather rude back seat fumblings later, we arrived at his house. Unfortunately, he lived with his Dad. And had forgotten his keys. So in my drunken Lady Danger state, I had to have a nice "chat" with his Dad, who offered me tea (bless him). All I can remember from this cringing affair, is that my hair was everywhere, and that they had teddy bears in frames in the kitchen (fucking bizarre). Hollywood it wasn't. To add to my misery, this one night stand, also folded his clothes prior to sex; ate a garlic clove (admittedly he did offer me one as well - but really? WTF?) and in the morning, I found out the house had cameras in all rooms. Thankfully this was before the world of Youtube. Would love to tell you it was worth it, but the sex is a blur...maybe i should've asked for a copy of the film to refresh my memory?!

Another one night stand I recalled, was the kick boxer, that I want to call John....We'd had a rather raucous Ann Summers party at mine, involving vodka jelly, a lethal punch that would've sunk a sailor, and a lot of wine. We rocked up at our local shit club, wearing meddles with our names on them. I won't tell you mine, as to be fair, it was quite shameful, but it helped attract "John". I took the poor man back to mine, and we had a match of our own. Only to be interrupted by my mate ringing my bell as she was staying at mine. She had also decided to bring back half the club, who were met my me dishevelled wearing nothing but a towel. I palmed them off with Doritos and vodka, hoping this would entertain them. Unfortunately, they decided to turn into loons and would give us no peace. I think sleep overtook us in the end, and i paid the poor guys cab fair in the morning. He was a nice guy, and sent me a cheque paying me back - bless him. Again though, I don't hear LA asking for the film rights...

Then we flash forward a few years to a rather gorgeous farmer, who was a friend of a friend. Now he was fit in all senses, but trying to get me into positions that would be more at home in the harder pages of the karma sutra, led to me putting my neck out, and having to do the walk of shame without being able to move my head, and looking like a tramp (and possibly smelling like one too). Not my favourite walk of shame though - the classic LD was probably after a wild night at an ex FB of mines. When I woke in the morning, I realised I'd made him pay for the cab I'd taken from the West End to his in South London, and had no money to get back to my train station. Too embarrassed to ask for the change (yet we'd done some things the night before to make a hooker blush), I called my work, where I knew my assistant would have her car. True to form, the rather lovely J not only came and picked me up, she dropped my FB at a station on route too as he was off to meet friends. Thankfully no one ever found out about this abuse of my assistant - it certainly was not on her job description to "locate your Manager, and rescue her when she's had a skinful and got the horn the night before". Who'd play me and my FB do you think? Kate Winslet and George Clooney? No?

These are just a few of the nightmare one nighters I've managed to get myself involved with. Not all have been horrific - and a few to be far have been worse (fear of getting recognised on one in particular - lets just say there was vomiting, and no actual sex as I passed out - again, classy). None have led to long lasting relationships, although one has led to a friendship of 4 years. Only one has been great and really amazing, but then if you looked at my strike rate, that aint that great! So, for now, I am back to celibacy. One night stands seem to lead to nothing but walks of shame, hangovers from hell, and possible YouTube stardom. And this Lady does not want to be the star in her own movie thank you very much! Less is more - this is my new motto!